


The Nice and Accurate Pranks of Eden

by imimmortalagain



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anathema is Done With the Pranks, And isn't used to embarrass a character, Aziraphale Has Self Esteem Issues, Aziraphale Says Dear Boy Like The Book, Aziraphale has Ducks, Aziraphale is a Softie, Aziraphale/Crowley First Kiss (Good Omens), But done in a humorous and not frustrating way, Crowley has a Snake, Crowley is a Softie, Cussing, Dates, Drag Race, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, F/F, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Gay Pride, Happy Ending, Humor, Humor that doesn't rely on second hand embarrassment, Implied Sexual Content, It's kind of a, Lack of Communication, M/M, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), On Hiatus, Other, Pining, Prank War, Pride, Sex Jokes, Slow Burn, The Them Cause Problems, They play Cards Against Humanity, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), a tiny bit of angst, also, alternative universe, but it Is on, but it doesn't take the entire story really, but no actual sexual content, but not a song fic, gay pain, i swear to god im not abandoning this, im sorry, meet ugly, pining dumbasses, there is a queen concert, times two, vicious use of lyrics from 'love of my life' in chap 11
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2020-09-06 08:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20288527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imimmortalagain/pseuds/imimmortalagain
Summary: When the Them secretly pull a prank on the left side--sarcastically called Heaven--of a divided apartment complex Heaven is all too happy to retaliate against who they believe the culprits are, the right side, which was nicknamed Hell.At the same time two different relationships between members of Heaven and Hell are developing. Can the members balance an escalating prank war and a relationship?





	1. Chapter 1

A two-story-tall apartment complex sat outside a city that challenged Chicago in size. This apartment complex was, what the neighbors would call, different. They would say this for a few different reasons.

First, and foremost, it was called Eden. Whether the landlord--an older lady who doesn’t show up often, in fact, the tenants say that collectively they have only seen her once--had named it that or if it was a running gag that the tenants themselves started nobody knows. But either way, that was what everyone called it.

Secondly, the apartment complex was split down the middle. The left side was a pink pastel color and the right side was a rather unpleasant gray. This had happened because the left side tenants painted the entire complex pink, effectively upsetting the tenants on the right. To rebel, the right side had repainted their half of the complex. The landlord hadn’t said anything.

Lastly, if you walked past the right side you could hear the loud music of My Chemical Romance, and from one specific tenant, Queen. On the left side, you could hear the soundtrack from the Sound of Music and occasionally classical music. 

And every morning while the majority left to get to work you could hear car alarms, screaming, and songs specifically chosen such as Gives you Hell by All American Rejects, Death on Two Legs by Queen, or (this was Beelzebub’s personal favorite) Still Counting by Volbeat. This banter made it difficult for anyone to get to work on time. 

Beelzebub was sitting in their car as they got ready to leave, they were stuck in a backed-up line to leave. Giving them the perfect opportunity to watch Gabriel as he realized that he left his keys inside. 

Beelzebub rolled down their window and laughed louder than necessary, “What a dumbass.” 

“Says the person who probably needs a booster seat to drive,” Gabriel called back. He opened the door to Eden and took off on a run to find his apartment. 

By the time Gabriel was out Beelzebub was only able to move two spots forward in the line. This had to do with the fact that Hastur had taken it upon himself to move at the speed of a snail just to irritate Uriel who was waiting behind him. 

Beelzebub was the last one in the line, meaning they were going to arrive just on time for the meeting they needed to be at. 

They were the chief operating officer an up-in-coming chain restaurant corporation and they had to join their CEO to meet up with an advertising company. A simple brunch date to talk logistics and costs. 

By the time they finally left the parking lot Gabriel was right on their tail.

Given the typical traffic in the city, they had about thirty minutes until they got to the restaurant. And by the time Beelzebub had turned at least a dozen times and was only five minutes away Gabriel was still on their tail. 

They came to a stop at the stoplight and Beelzebub stuck their head out the window and turned back to Gabriel’s car as he followed in suit. 

“What gives?” Beelzebub yelled.

“Work.”

“You’re following me.”

“Greenlight.” 

“What?”

“Go.”

Beelzebub looked forward and saw that the cars in front of them had started to move and the people behind them had started to honk. Beelzebub stepped on the gas.

At the next light, they took a right, which added another two minutes to their travel time. But, on the bright side, Gabriel was no longer following them. They let out a sigh and continued on their way.

Beelzebub pulled into the parking lot, put the car in park, fixed their outfit, and walked inside the restaurant. 

***

Crowley woke up around one. He turned on his CD player and made breakfast. 

He had that particular CD player ever since he could remember and he never really thought of updating his music system in any way. And, as a bonus, it annoyed the left side of Eden--sarcastically nicknamed Heaven.

His CD player ended up having another effect aside from the near-constant Queen music blaring. Since it annoyed Heaven the right side--affectionately titled Hell--invested a tiny sum in one for each individual who lived on their side. They blasted a mix of My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Queen and other bands that Heaven deemed “garbage music”. Heaven would fight back with the Sound of Music soundtrack.

Crowley decided that he was lucky that he worked at the astronomy observatory. Default third shift. Heaven and Hell had their music fights while he was at work. 

He finished his bowl of cereal and put it into the dishwasher. 

He rummaged through the freezer finding his container of dead mice. He took one and went to the terrarium sitting on his bedroom dresser.

“Morning, Janthony,” He said to a Black Pastel Cinnamon ball python morph. 

Crowley gently removed the UV light and then the lid, bopping his head along to Another One Bites the Dust by Queen. 

He placed the mouse down in the middle of the cage and replaced the lid and light. 

The song was coming to an end when he heard a barrage of knocking on his front door. He raced to discard the mouse package and wash his hands when the knocking started again.

He let out a sigh and opened the door just as Queen’s a Crazy Little Thing Called Love came on. 

He assumed it was one of his neighbors from Heaven’s side, judging by the, what he would describe as a tacky outfit he had on. 

The man had a white button-up, tartan bow tie, dark beige suit jacket, and a tan trench coat. His pants matched the dark beige and Crowley didn’t want to even think about the shoes. 

Not that he looked much better, he was still in his flannel red pajama pants and black slippers. 

“Could you turn down the... noise?” The man asked.

“D’you not like Queen?” Crowley asked, with a slight smile. 

“I haven’t heard of them, aside from the times that you have it up this loud,” He said.

“Sorry,” Crowley said, a sheepish smile on his face, he crossed the room and turned it down, he returned to the door, “Oh, I guess I should introduce myself, I’m Crowley.”

“Aziraphale,” The man said with a tiny nod.

“That’s an interesting name.” Crowley hadn’t meant it as an insult, but Aziraphale seemed weary to believe it was a compliment. 

“So is yours.”

“Thanks.” 

“Anyway,” Aziraphale said, holding out his hand, “It was nice meeting you.”

Crowley shook his hand, “You too.” 

“I’ll be on my way then,” He said, “Thanks for turning it down.” 

“Yeah, o’ course.” 

***

“I’m with the Brewers-Jones party,” Beelzebub said to the employee at a podium.

“Right this way,” He said. 

He began walking and Beelzebub followed after. They weaved their way through the restaurant, it was sleek, modern, and had a theme of white, gray, and black. The atmosphere was quiet and refined as if everyone felt the need to embody the phrase _fine dining_. 

The employee came to a stop at the only booth that wasn’t filled to the brim. Either the CEO or COO from the advertisement company was already there. 

“Thanks,” Beelzebub said to the employee who began his walk back to the podium. 

They took a step up to the booth and put on their most diplomatic smile as they said, “Thank you for your patience, I-”

The person in the booth had turned around and Beelzebub dropped their mouth, “You?” Their voice was loud enough to earn the attention of nearby customers. 

They awkwardly laughed out an apology to the surrounding people, before clambering into the booth.

“What are _you_ doing here?” They said with a much more controlled tone. 

“Breakfast,” Gabriel said with a sarcastic jump of his eyebrows. He took a sip of his drink.

“Are you the CEO of-”

“No, COO, you?”

Beelzebub felt tempted to lie, but realized that it wouldn’t hold out once their CEO’s got there, “COO.”

“Isn’t it funny that we both-”

“No.” 

“It’s kind of funny.” Gabriel shrugged. 

Beelzebub mocked his shrug, “_Kind of funny.” _They had a sneer on their face.

“You know,” Gabriel said, “We’ve been neighbors for how long? Years. Neither of us learned what each other does for a living. And now… here we are.” 

“The irony is astounding,” Beelzebub said through a sigh with an eye roll. They rested their head in their left hand as they lazily read through the menu. 

“It won’t be too bad, Mr. Jones and Mr. Brewers will be here soon and once they are we’ll eat as they talk for an hour and then we never have to be around each other again,” Gabriel said. “For work, at least,” He added.

“Good,” Beelzebub said. “Cause, I don’t like you.” They weren’t sure why they felt the need to clarify this fact, but they did anyway.

“Right, same here.”

***

Crowley stood at Aziraphale’s door slightly nervous. He hadn’t been incredibly social besides the meetings he attended with his neighbors from Hell. He was about to start a Netflix binge and figured that having some company wouldn’t be too awful. 

He raised his hand and let out a deep breath finally knocking. In quick succession, he heard a loud sigh, heavy footsteps and then finally the door unlocking.

“Yes?” Aziraphale said as he opened the door. His demeanor seemed different from the agitation he held earlier.

“I was curious if you’d be interested in watching a few episodes of the Office? I don’t start work for a few hours and I made some popcorn…”

Aziraphale smiled brightly, “Yes, of course,” He stepped outside his apartment and pulled the door shut, “I’m sorry for my nasty mood earlier, dear boy.” 

Crowley didn’t know what, but something seemed to flutter in his chest at the endearment. It wasn’t common, he thought, but it probably didn’t mean anything. 

“I’m afraid my ducks had gotten a hold of a book in my collection and nibbled on the edge of the pages.”

“You have ducks?” Crowley asked as childish glee passed over his face.

“Yes,” Aziraphale said, “I’ve had them forever. Would you like to meet them?”

***

Mr. Jones and Mr. Brewer hadn’t shown up yet and it had been nearly half an hour. 

“If they’re not here in the next ten minutes I’m ordering,” Beelzebub said through a sigh. They tapped their fingers against the table. 

“That’s rude,” Gabriel noted, he had finished off his drink.

“Since when has that bothered you?” Beelzebub snorted, “Besides, I’m starving.” 

Gabriel opened his mouth to say something back but closed it again when his phone dinged. He picked it up and opened the alert.

“Great,” He sighed, his eyes still scanning the text, “I just got a text from Mr. Jones…” His words slowed as he started texting, “He’s not late, they canceled the meeting and he forgot to tell me. He says he texted Mr. Brewer.”

Beelzebub slapped their pockets to find them empty, “And I left my phone in the car.” 

“So do we…?”

“I’m hungry, but you can leave if you want.”

“Won’t it charge the company?”

“Well, if we tell them, they shouldn’t.”

“Do you have the money to afford this?” Gabriel asked, “I think I left my card in the car.” 

“Same here,” Beelzebub said, “Give me your keys, I’ll go get both.”

“Splitting the costs?”

“Of course.” Beelzebub got up.

***

“Their names are Oscar, Terry, William, Emily, Neil, and Edgar,” Aziraphale noted. He leaned against his desk as a Crowley immediately dropped to the floor. The ducks swarmed him.

“After anyone in particular?” 

“Writers, of course,” Aziraphale said, gesturing vaguely to the shelves that surrounded them, “It’s funny, Emily got a hold of one of my Emily Dickinson poetry collections, which is who I named her after.”

Crowley was sitting on the floor being swarmed by the six, “They’re so cute.” 

“They can be quite sassy,” Aziraphale said. 

“Janthony’s pretty calm,” Crowley said, picking up Terry and placing him in his lap.

“Janthony?” 

“My snake,” Crowley said, “He’s a darling.”

“Where did you get Janthony?” 

“Dagon used to joke that was my middle name,” Crowley said with a smile, “She found it funny.” 

“Ah,” Aziraphale said, his eyes were on Crowley, not the ducks. Crowley smiled brightly as the ducks started to lay down on his lap. And Aziraphale smiled at Crowley’s joy.

“I’m sorry to cut this short,” Aziraphale said his face turning from a smile to a frown, “But it’s coming up on their nap time. If you could grab William or Edgar, they’re quite rebellious and won’t follow as the rest will,” Aziraphale pointed to the two. 

***

“Well,” Gabriel sighed as they were leaving the restaurant, “You aren’t terribly demonic.”

“What?” Beelzebub asked, their eyebrows were drawn together, their eyes narrowed.

“You’re from Hell.” Gabriel used air quotes on _Hell_.

“Oh,” Beelzebub said, dropping their guard, “I see... Haha,” They deadpanned.

“Come on,” Gabriel drew, a large smile on his face, “That was funny.”

“Sure,” Beelzebub said as they shook their head. “And, for the record.” Beelzebub started off towards their car. “You're not terribly angelic yourself.” 

“That was funny,” Gabriel called back as he moved to his car.

Beelzebub couldn’t tell if that was sarcastic or not. They also couldn’t tell why they wished it wasn’t sarcastic.

They got into their car and left the parking lot, this time without much difficulty.

They were smiling.

***

It was late and all of Eden was asleep. Save four eleven-year-olds who would be in trouble once their parents were aware of their sleeping schedule. They had just left Adam’s apartment, their home base, with a roll of toilet paper stuffed under each arm. 

“It isn’t healthy,” Wensleydale said, “Staying up this late. I should go to bed.” 

“I mean, to be fair, it’s not that late anymore, now we’re just up early,” Brian reasoned with a shrug.

“Yeah, Crowley’s already back from work,” Pepper said, “You can’t call it late anymore.”

“Besides,” Brian said, lifting his arms in a chicken wing fashion to emphasize the toilet paper rolls, “This is gonna be fun.”

“An’,” Pepper said, “If you leave, I won’t talk to you for a week.”

“That’s peer pressure.” Wensleydale wrinkled his nose, “But I guess... a few more minutes won’t hurt.”

“Yeah,” Adam said, “This shouldn’t take long.”

They quietly snuck down the stairs to the first level and pulled out their toilet paper rolls. 

“Ready?” Adam whispered as a smile crept onto his face.

***

Gabriel woke up with the same pep he had when he did anything. Many people found it annoying. Gabriel did too, occasionally. 

Others found it endearing. Well, a single, specific other found it endearing, even though they didn’t know that the feeling was called endearment. 

He got ready as quietly as he could manage, he had shared the apartment with one other person. Sandalphon. 

They used to share it with Aziraphale, but as soon as his bookshop took off, he was able to afford a smaller apartment to himself.

He put on a tracksuit, had two eggs, and opened the door to go on a run. However, he didn’t get far.

Toilet paper was strung from door to door, some stuffed between the door and the floor or wall, some tied to the handle. At first, it seemed like an uncalculated mess, but to anyone who looked for longer than a second, they could see the militaristic dedication in making sure that only the Heaven side of the hallway was messy. 

Gabriel took in one deep, patient breath, snapped a photo of it, and tore it down. “If Hell wants a war they’re going to get one.”

***

“They did what?” Sandaphon asked.

“They teepeed our side of the hallway,” Gabriel repeated, pulling out his phone. He opened up his photos and showed them to the group. 

Gabriel, Uriel, Sandalphon, Michael and Aziraphale made up that group. Michael and Uriel shared the apartment right in between Aziraphale’s and Gabriel and Sandalphon’s.

“We should get back at them,” Uriel said immediately. Her voice and face remained flat and expressionless.

“I like your style,” Gabriel said, with a smile.

“Do we have to?” Aziraphale asked. Nerves tingling his stomach. 

“They started it,” Sandalphon replied with a shrug, his hands upturned and out to the side, “And I’m not against smiting ‘em.”

“Yeah,” Gabriel nodded, “It doesn’t have to be too dramatic, something small.”

“But what happens when it gets out of hand?” Aziraphale said. All of his worry and nerves were clear in his voice, “You guys are going to start one-upping each other and it’s going to escalate quickly.” 

“We’re adults,” Gabriel waved his hand as if it would dismiss Aziraphale’s concern, “We know where to draw the line.” 

“Besides,” Michael said, “Don’t you want to get back at those… demons and their choice to torture us with their awful music tastes.”

“Of course,” Aziraphale lied, deciding that going against them wouldn’t be the smartest decision, seeing as they outnumbered him four to one. He shook his head, “No, no, you guys are right.”

“Right,” Uriel said sharply.

“Now,” Aziraphale said slowly, “What do you happen to have in mind?”


	2. Chapter 2

Heaven, excluding Aziraphale who had decided to sleep in, sat in Gabriel’s car. Gabriel had his laptop, which connected to cameras that Heaven had set up for this specific reason. It showed the hallway of Eden.

“Shouldn’t they be awake by now?” Uriel asked through a yawn. 

“I would say that we have-” Gabriel paused as the middle door opened, “Wait nope, here we go.”

The camera was too high to see the face of the person at the door but they could see a body. And that body walked quickly forward, straight into the plastic wrap before bouncing back. 

“What in the hell?” Hastur yelled, reaching out and ripping the plastic to shreds. 

The car erupted into laughter. They slid down in their seats as Hastur moved to leave the building. He probably already knew that they did this and they didn’t want confrontation. Gabriel adjusted the laptop so they could keep watching.

The door closest to the exit opened next and the person who opened it was short enough to be seen from the camera. Beelzebub. 

They yawned and stepped forward, directly into the plastic wrap. It had been placed around Beelzebub’s shins and they fell forward. They didn’t say anything, instead, they ripped off the plastic wrap and got up.

By that moment Hastur had reached his car to notice the entire thing was wrapped up tightly in a plastic wrap cocoon. 

“What?” He yelled louder and the group started laughing louder. 

The last door opened. This time it was Crowley. He walked face-first into the plastic wrap, his momentum and the dramatic stop added together and caused him to fall backward, flailing wildly. 

The group howled louder. Gabriel threw his head back and it angled towards the window as a hand slammed down against it.

Everyone jumped and Gabriel and Sandalphon also let out a shrill scream. Gabriel clutched his chest and took in deep breaths as Beelzebub motioned for him to roll down the window.

“_Give us a minute,_” He mouthed, holding up a finger. He let out one last pant and turned to his group, “Okay,” He said, “Straight faces. Pretend we didn’t get scared.”

“They obviously saw us,” Uriel pointed out, with not so much a confused look, but one of exasperation.

“Appearances are everything,” Gabriel replied. He rolled down the window. 

“You mother-”

“Language,” Gabriel interrupted with a smile, “I will not listen to your vulgar words.”

“Shut up, you condescending ass,” Beelzebub said. “Look, I hope you know that Hell isn’t afraid of your scare tactics and that you should sleep with one eye open.”

“Scare tactics?” Gabriel asked, “I don’t have a single idea of what you’re referring to.”

“You absolute-”

“Thank you for the talk!” Gabriel cheered as he started rolling up the window. He smiled brightly and waved. 

***

“I am so sorry about them,” Aziraphale said, he held out the ice pack to Crowley, “I told them not to do your room and they didn’t listen to me. And then I was getting ready to go out and I heard you trip, well, I heard you cursing and I put two and two together… and I’m terribly sorry, dear boy.”

“Calm down,” Crowley said, a reassuring smile crossing his face. He took the ice pack and pressed it against the back of his head, “You’re fine, I’m okay… I’m just worried about how my side is going to retaliate.” 

“I know,” Aziraphale replied, fighting the urge to bite his lip, “It’s made me quite nervous.” 

“I’ll make sure they don’t do anything _too_ dramatic.”

“Please.” 

“Now,” Crowley said the irritation melting from his voice, “Do you want to hang out for a bit before you go to work?”

“Yes, I would love too,” Aziraphale said, “Also, I don’t work today, but I still won’t be able to stay long anyway, Anathema Device is coming over in a bit for our book club thing. You could join us.”

“Oh, um, not tonight because it’s game night with the gang,” Crowley rubbed the back of his neck, “Besides, I’m not a fast reader.” 

“Well, we only meet up once a month. We’re reading _The Odyssey_,” Aziraphale offered, “If you change your mind I could get you the book.”

One month wasn’t that bad, he reasoned, besides he’d get to spend more time with Aziraphale. “Hmm,” He hummed, “You know what, why not, I’ll join.” 

“Fantastic,” Aziraphale replied, the smile that grew on his face was radiating. 

***

Gabriel had kicked the others out of his car. He had to get to work as soon as possible, at least that’s what he told them. 

He pushed play to the only CD he cared to keep. The Sound of Music soundtrack.

His phone pinged. He picked it up and opened the text. It was from Beelzebub.

<_is the coast clear>_

_<Yes. The others have already left._>

He sighed, before adding something else.

_<You should really use proper grammar in your texts. It makes you seem unprofessional.>_

_ <u should really stop caring abt other ppl’s txts it makes u seem like a d>_

Gabriel let out another sigh, rolled his eyes, and dropped the phone to the console. 

Seconds passed and the door opened.

Beelzebub set their stuff down into the car, “Oh my god.”

“What?” 

“I’d rather walk,” Beelzebub said as they slid into the passenger seat, “Than listen to this goddamned soundtrack ever again.” They buckled up.

Gabriel took the car out of park. “Then walk.” He backed out of the parking spot, “I’m not turning it off, it’s fantastic.”

“Hmm,” They hummed, “I thought Heaven wasn’t fond of liars.” 

***

“-and he waved it in front of my face. He was taunting me-”

“The bastard,” Crowley said. 

“Well, that’s a bit much but-”

“It’s not.” Crowley shook his head, “But continue.”

“He said something like if you want it you’ll have to pay. And I told him I couldn’t afford it, I mean a thousand dollars? None of the prophecies had really made sense, at least-”

“Then why _did_ you want it?” Crowley asked.

“I’ve always had a fascination for prophecies, real or otherwise.” Aziraphale shrugged, “I don’t know why. Just have… Anyway, I pulled out a first edition of T_he Collected Prophetic Works of John Tager_ easily fifteen hundred. And he said no. John Tager had correctly prophesied World War One and Two, allowing for some lee-way with his chosen metaphors. He correctly called a few elections of 1964 he called it the year of the red rose, the elephant, the red sun, in order, Harold Wilson, Lyndon B. Johnson, Giuseppe Saragat.

“A completely reasonable trade right?” Aziraphale asked. 

“Mhm,” Crowley nodded.

“He said no. But, while I was telling him about the book, I had set it down right next to his. And, well. As I left I picked up what I _thought_ was my book. And I had thought wrong.”

“You stole it?”

“Well… yes. But, I didn’t realize until I was back here over two hours away. I wasn’t going to drive all the way back there, besides he was a bit of a… jerk.”

“Bastard.”

“Hey… But I’ve got it,” Aziraphale said, “_The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter_.”

***

“Thanks for the ride,” Beelzebub said.

“Of course,” Gabriel smiled over at Beelzebub. Only to notice their arms were tightly crossed and their face was stained red, “Embarrassed by being polite?”

“Sure,” Beelzebub replied. Gabriel decided that it was too fast.

“Are you okay?” Gabriel asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Beelzebub replied, still too fast for Gabriel’s taste. Their face had only got more red. 

Gabriel narrowed his eyes at them before pulling off to the side of the road. “No, seriously.”

“What are you doing?” Beelzebub asked, “We’re going to be late.”

“Well, I guess we are then,” Gabriel asked, “Because I’m not moving until I make sure that you’re okay.”

“Gabriel.” 

“Beelzebub.”

“Uh, I’m a little... sick to my stomach.”

“Why didn’t you say so?” Gabriel asked, beginning to rummage through the storage compartment in the center console, “Here, try this.” He tossed a pink bottle at Beelzebub. 

“Pepto-Bismol?” They asked, “No, it’s just a little motion sickness. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Gabriel pressed. Beelzebub handed back the bottle. 

“Thanks, but yeah.”

***

Aziraphale’s phone went off and he held up a hand to Crowley, “Excuse me, dear boy,” He pulled it out and read the text. His face fell, “I’m sorry to cut our time short, but I,” Crowley looked up and caught Aziraphale’s glance, “Have to gay- go, go. I meant go. Lord. Forgive me, I can’t speak.” Aziraphale turned as red as Crowley’s hair.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better,” Crowley started, a humored smirk playing onto his face, “I’ve had to gay before too.”

“You’re gay?” Aziraphale shot out quickly.

“Gayer than Freddie Mercury.”

A grin fell onto Aziraphale’s face, “Me too.”

“Cool,” Crowley returned his smile, he stood up with Aziraphale and walked him to the door, “Have fun gaying and I’ll see you later.”

“See you later.”

***

“Uno,” Hastur said to the group, “I say we play Uno.” He smacked the deck down to the table. 

“I agree,” Ligur said, “Uno’s fun.” 

“Fine,” Beelzebub sighed, “But, we play Cards Against Humanity next.”

“You know how this works,” Dagon chastised them, “Winner picks the next game.”

“Then I’ll win,” Beelzebub replied with a snap.

Dagon had opened her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted by the door, “Sorry I’m late,” Crowley said. He went through the door and sauntered across Beelzebub’s apartment to the dinner table. He removed the bottle of wine from under his arm and set it down.

“Janthony,” Dagon replied, “How kind of you to finally join us.”

“Shut up,” He drew, going into the kitchen to grab five wine glasses, “Before I slap you,” Crowley said. He returned to the table and set down the glasses.

“Try me.” A threat curled on Dagon’s lips.

Crowley narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to say something before Beelzebub cut him off. 

“Save it for the game.” They picked up the Uno deck and started shuffling, “While we play… I think we should start planning revenge.”

“Really, guys?” Crowley asked as he finished pouring the wine. “Are we really going to stoop to their level?” He handed out the glasses and finally plopped down into his seat.

“Yes,” Ligur replied.

“No,” Beelzebub jumped, cutting through Ligur’s word. They started dealing the cards, giving a proper dramatic pause, “We’re going to stoop lower.”

“What did you have in mind?” Dagon asked a wicked smile curling on her lips. 

***

“How have you been?” Anathema asked as they crossed through Aziraphale’s apartment. They took their seats on the couches that decorated the living room. 

“Well, there’s this guy.”

“Oh,” Anathema drew, with a playful smile, “Tell me more.”

“Well,” Aziraphale hesitated, “It’s not that I like him, per se, it’s just that… well, he’s good looking. And gay.” 

“Describe him.”

“He’s very attractive. He’s got red spikey-fiery hair. He’s tall, slim, angular and he has beautiful yellow-ish eyes.” By the time he had finished describing him his eyes had gone bright and a grin wider the Great Canyon was plastered onto his face. 

“‘_Per se_.’”

“Hm?”

“Oh, I was mocking you,” Anathema said, she waved her hand, “Nevermind… Anything new other than 'attractive' gay guy?”

“Yeah,” Aziraphale said, his face turning sour, “Hell’s decided to start a prank war. And you know Gabriel and them, they don’t back down from a challenge.”

“That’s not good.”

“Yeah, Hell dirtied our side of the hallway with toilet paper,” Aziraphale shook his head, “Then we, well, not me, but, they saran-wrapped the doors, and wrapped up all the cars. Right before they left for work.”

“That’s not good,” Anathema repeated, “But you’re even now and you guys are adults. I mean, how bad can it get, right?”

“Have you met them?”

“Who?”

“Any of them.”

“I mean I know them in a neighborly way.” 

“Okay, well.” Aziraphale’s faux smile exuded agitation at the situation, “Has the 'Music War' stopped?”

“Okay, right, you have a point.”

“Right.” Aziraphale fell back in his seat defeated.

“Then who’s going to stop this?” Anathema asked.

“Our landlady could, I guess,” Aziraphale said.

“I don’t think she likes to show up.”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say that they’ll stop before someone gets hurt, I mean. Hell's tenants can be a tad crude.”

“That’s not nice,” Anathema replied, “And not helping in the slightest.”

“You’re right,” Aziraphale sighed, “They might be a bit rough-around-the-edges, but they definitely don’t have it in them to hurt someone. And, I know Uriel can be awful, just belligerent, and Gabriel can be a bit of a jerk, but I don’t think they would hurt anyone either. Nor would any of them want to. So, they at least have some sort of limit.” 

“At least.”

***

“Don’t do that,” Crowley scolded through a sigh, “Look, let’s be real, getting back at them isn’t going to solve anything.”

“They can’t jus’ get away with messin’ with us,” Ligur replied.

“Besides,” Hastur said, “Doesn’t your head still hurt? Don’t you want revenge?”

Crowley opened his mouth to argue back but his phone interrupted. He picked it up from the table and tapped into the new notification. It was a text from Aziraphale.

<_Our book club only lasts about an hour. I am done now. If you want to come over, I’m feeding the ducks.>_

“Sure,” Crowley murmured as he started typing, “Get back at them.” His voice was still dazed and quiet.

_<Be there in a minute>_

He stood up and slipped his phone into his back pocket, “I’m sorry, something just came up, I have to go.” He started off towards the door.

“Bye, Janthony,” Dagon called.

“Bye,” He said as he swung the door open and left.

“What’s up with him?” Hastur asked, a curious eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know,” Dagon said, “But I’ve never seen him just accept it when I call him ‘Janthony’... Something’s up.”

“So it would seem,” Beelzebub said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you loved this, please comment!


	3. Chapter 3

_ <Do not step out of your door right away wait a second you’ll get wet if you don’t listen trust me>  _

_ <Water? Why would they do that? Thank you for telling me, dear boy. How long did you guys spend putting in these systems?>  _

_ _

_ <Dunno I was at work when they did it>  _

_ <It is really well thought out. I think it is absolutely ridiculous, but I do have respect for whoever came up with this. It’s ingeniuitive.>  _

_ <Yea but it’s also childish and I don’t think you should let them know that you find it ingenuitive>  _

_ <I had no intention of doing so, but they did do a good job.>  _

_ <Whatever. _

_ Have a good day at work>  _

_ <I will. Please get some rest, I happen to know you came in late last night.>  _

_ <Stalker>  _

_ <If you must know, I was up when you came home because I was reading more of  _ The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter  _ . I heard your car. A Bentley has a distinct sound.>  _

_ <Any of the prophecies come true?>  _

_ <She said something about beware the rising tides of revenge>  _

_ <Cryptic>  _

_ <Indeed. Are you going to be free tonight?>  _

_ <Yeah, it’s my day off, why?>  _

_ <I wanted to know if you would like to have dinner with me.>  _

_ <Of course. When and where>  _

_ <Tonight, Seven, at the Ritz>  _

_ <That place is expensive>  _

_ <I’m paying, dear boy.>  _

_ <Are you sure?>  _

_ <Of course.>  _

_ <Fine but I’m paying you back>  _

_ <Pay me back by giving me a ride.>  _

_ <How do you get to work>  _

_ <By cab.>  _

_ <Well I’ll pick you up at your place around 6:30 then>  _

_ <It’s a date.>  _

_ <Yep>  _

***

Crowley had intended on going back to sleep but that didn’t work well. He couldn’t stop thinking about the date that night. Well, it wasn’t a _ date  _ date. But it was still a date. 

He wasn’t even sure how he felt for Aziraphale. Sure, he would admit that Aziraphale was very cute, intelligent, and sweet, but that didn’t mean Crowley liked him. And, he would get a little red in the face when they made eye contact, but that was just social awkwardness. Right?

He didn’t have much time to think about the meanings of his feelings because:

“Shit” Gabriel screamed the hallway. 

Crowley jumped, he wasn’t expecting the noise. He recovered from his fight and realized why Gabriel probably screamed. Hell’s water prank. He figured Aziraphale would want a picture of this.

He stood up and ran to the hallway. Shutting his door behind him. Perfect timing, too.

Beelzebub was already out in the hall, enjoying the sight of a soaked Gabriel. “ _ Language  _ ,” They mocked, “  _ I will not listen to your vulgar words.  _ ”

“Beelzebub,” Gabriel said through a deep groan. 

Crowley whipped out his camera aiming it at Gabriel, “Hey, Gabriel.”

Gabriel spun over to Crowley and Crowley snapped his photo.

“Hey,” Gabriel whined.

“Thank you.” Crowley stuck out his tongue before jumping back into his room.

***

Gabriel adjusted the new suit, clean and dry and left his apartment. In the hallway he found Beelzebub leaning against the wall opposite his door.

“Really?” Gabriel asked. “Water? How mature.” He pulled his door shut and locked it. He took a step forward his arms as cross as he was. 

“You plastic wrapped everything.” Beelzebub waved their hand to Hell’s doors. “Fair play is fair play.” They shrugged out a half-hearted apology.

“Do you need a ride?” Gabriel asked he unfolded his arms gestured to the exit with his right, shoving his left into his pocket.

“No. I don’t work today.”

“Here to mock me then?” Gabriel asked. He began to move for the door and Beelzebub followed after. 

“No,” Beelzebub sighed, “A friend of mine gave me two tickets to a concert and well, you’re not entirely dreadful, so I figured that we should split a dinner then go to a concert.” They finished as Gabriel pulled the front door to Eden open for them, “Thanks.”

Gabriel ignored their thank you and continued with their conversation, “Not entirely dreadful?” He walked out after Beelzebub.

“Okay,” Beelzebub sighed, showing their concession by cocking their head to the left, “You’re right that was a bit too harsh. You’re close enough to bearable.”

“Awe,” Gabriel said. He slapped a hand onto his chest. “A person out for my own heart.” 

“Knock it off.”

They were within arm's distance of the car and Beelzebub sped up to reach the driver's side door first. They pulled it open for Gabriel.

“Thank you,” Gabriel said with a bright smile. He looked at the passenger’s seat, double-checking to make sure that his briefcase was still there. It was. “Who’s playing at the concert?” He looked back to Beelzebub.

“Don’t judge me.”

“Why would I judge you?”

“Because it’s not MCR, Panic!, or Fall Out Boy.”

“You like other things besides emo music?” Gabriel asked, his jaw dropping. His voice had turned sarcastically serious. “I don’t know you.”

“Shut up.” Beelzebub playful smacked his arm. “It’s Hozier.”

“Hozier?”

“He’s the guy who sang  _ "Take Me to Church"  _ .”

“Oh, I know of him,” Gabriel said, “I like that song. And besides, that’s a dark song, it’s emo.”

“His other music isn’t as dark.”

“You do have a soft side,” Gabriel said. “Wow. Let me guess, you like boy bands too.”

“Shut it,” Beelzebub said, “Look, the concert starts at eight-thirty. We could go to dinner before the show. Do you want to go or not?”

“Definitely.”

***

_ <I got a picture of Gabriel soaked by the prank>  _

_ <Send it, dear boy.>  _

_ <That was a fast reply shouldn’t you be working>  _

_ <I own this place. I am the only employee and I am my own boss. I’m fine. Send the photo.>  _

_ <Here>  _

_ <Beautiful! He definitely deserves it.>  _

_ <Has he been a jerk to you? I’m not afraid to throw hands…>  _

_ <He has. But you should be afraid. If you get yourself arrested we can’t go to dinner tonight.>  _

_ <Fine>  _

***

Crowley let out a yawn. He still hadn’t made it to sleep. Instead, he had returned to his Netflix binge and was giving Janthony some time out of his terrarium. It was the only way he could pass the time without fixating on the date that wasn’t a date that night. 

He licked his lips and decided he was thirsty. 

He paused the show and picked up Janthony--who hissed at being startled but quickly calmed down--and draped him over his neck.

He crossed his apartment to the fridge. He began to rummage through it when a barrage of knocks came to his front door. 

He jumped one hand moving to make sure Janthony was still okay, while he hit his head against the fridge.

“Damn it.” He put his other hand to the top of his head, “Coming.” He called out. He moved out of the fridge and shut the door before he made his way to the front door. 

“Hello?” He asked as he swung it open.

“I need help.” It was Beelzebub, “Awe, it’s Janthony.”

“Yeah,” Crowley said, “What do you need help with?”

“I have a… it’s not a date, but it’s not not a date…”

“I know what you mean,” Crowley sighed, “Do you need help on the actual date itself cause-”

“No, I don’t know what to wear,” Beelzebub said, “And Ligur’s at work, Dagon’s asleep, Hastur doesn’t know how to pick out an outfit and it would seem that I don’t either.”

“Oh, sure,” Crowley nodded. Beelzebub moved away from the door as Crowley slid his already socked feet into his slip-ons. He stepped outside his apartment and pulled it shut behind him. They started to walk to Beelzebub’s room. “What are you doing?”

Beelzebub flashed him a weird look before answering, “Walking.” He said it more like a question.

“No, I meant tonight,” Crowley sighed. “What are you doing on the date?”

“That question makes more sense,” Beelzebub nodded. They slowed to a stop in front of their door, Crowley matching pace, and opened it up. They walked through, keeping a hand on the handle as Crowley passed through so that they could shut it.

“We’re going to dinner than a concert.”

“Oh, look,” Dagon said from the island in the kitchen. She was standing over a bowl of cereal, “It’s Janthony and Janthony. A J-assemblage if I may.”

“That’s not your best joke,” Crowley said disappointment clear as day on his face. “And it’s three in the afternoon, you should be eating cereal.”

“And you shouldn’t be wearing slip-ons with socks, but I’m not one to judge.”

“Who’s the concert for?” Crowley said, turning back to face Beelzebub who had already made their way to their room. 

“Hozier,” They called from behind the first door to Crowley’s right. Crowley followed after them. 

“Nice. Where are you going for dinner?” He entered Beelzebub’s bedroom and took a seat on the bed.

“Not sure,” Beelzebub shrugged. 

“Okay, is it going to be like fancy or…?

“Just casual.”

“Okay,” Crowley said, “This should be easy, what do you got?”

***

_ <Me: I’m not gonna be there tonight>  _

_ <Fish: Really, Janthony? What’s more important than us?>  _

_ <Blondie: Good. You’ve been too cocky>  _

_ <Me: Hastur, you’re just happy that you won’t lose to me again  _

_ Dagon, my social life>  _

_ <Fish: You have one of those?>  _

_ <Beel: i also wont b there>  _

_ <Fish: Don’t you mean their?>  _

_ <Blondie: L O L>  _

_ <Beel: its lol>  _

_ <Blondie: It’s ‘it’s’>  _

_ <Beel: shut up>  _

_ <Fish: Why won’t you be there>  _

_ <Beel: concert>  _

_ <Ligur: You’re blowing up my phone. We all live right next to each other, why do we have a group chat?>  _

_ <Dagon: This is easier.>  _

_ <Beel: and we’re lazy by nature>  _

***

Crowley, for the umpteenth time, adjusted his tie. It wasn’t that it was crooked it was that he was nervous. He was standing outside Aziraphale’s apartment with a white suit jacket, white button-up, black pants, black tie, and a butterfly-filled stomach.

He toyed with the tie one last time before raising his hand to the door. He brought his knuckles down on the wood and rasped three times. 

Before Crowley had the time to worry about whether or not it was too loud Aziraphale chimed, “Coming.” It sounded from directly behind the door as if he had been waiting there. 

The door swung open and they both stalled at each other’s appearance. Aziraphale stopped breathing, taking in Crowley’s form, his mouth didn’t hang open, however, unlike Crowley, whose mouth dropped to the floor.

Crowley raked his eyes up and down Aziraphale, who was wearing a black tailcoat with a white button-up, black bowtie, and black pants. 

“You look-” They both started at the same time.

“No, sorry,” They said in unison again.

“You first,” Aziraphale said, a shaky smile crossed his face, leaving too fast for Crowley’s taste. His face was completely flushed.

“No, after you.”

“You look dashing.” 

Crowley stained pink at the compliment, before opening his mouth. “And you look handsome.” Impossibly, Aziraphale’s face burned brighter. He cracked a smile at Crowley and Crowley returned it.

And so they stood there beaming at each other like starstruck idiots in love. 

Until Aziraphale became uncomfortably aware of how red his face was, “Should we, um?”

“Yeah.”

***

“Would you like to drive?” Gabriel asked as they stood outside the car. Beelzebub was already making their way to the passenger's side. 

“No.” Beelzebub opened the door and slid on in. They shut it after them and began buckling up.

“Right,” Gabriel said, taking his seat. He shut the door and buckled in. “I should’ve known. You can’t see over the steering wheel.”

“I swear to god,” Beelzebub said. “Make one more height joke and I’ll leave.”

“What’s that?” Gabriel asked. He shocked himself when his face didn’t break. “I couldn’t hear you up here.”

“May God forgive these sins,” Beelzebub whispered.

“Oh, calm down,” Gabriel sighed, “Making fun of your height isn’t a sin.”

“No,” Beelzebub agreed, with a curt nod, “But this is.” They smacked Gabriel’s arm. 

Gabriel flinched, but pushed through it, “What?” Gabriel asked. He quickly unbuckled and put a hand on the door handle, “What was the sin?” He opened the car door. “I couldn’t see it without a microscope.” He jumped out of the car.

“I’m going to kill you,” Beelzebub screeched, hastily fumbling with their seatbelt before being able to successfully unbuckle. They pushed their way out of the car and took off on a run after Gabriel.

***

Once Crowley put the car into park Aziraphale threw his head back, closed his eyes, and let out a sigh he had held the entire ride. “Dear boy.” His voice was faint and filled with anxiety. “How in the heavens did you get your driver’s license?”

“It wasn’t _ that  _ bad,” Crowley shook his head, “Besides, we got here safe and sound, which means, driving like that, I was fantastic.”

“Call it what you will,” Aziraphale said, “It was still scary.”

“I won’t drive so crazy on the way home,” Crowley said, finally moving to get out of his car, “Promise.”

“Thank you.” Aziraphale climbed out of his seat and walked over to the driver's side of the car with Crowley. He flashed Crowley a large smile and Crowley returned it. “Now, have you ever been here before?”

“Never.”

“You’re going to love it.” 

***

Gabriel and Beelzebub had finally made it to dinner. 

They were at a ’50s themed diner. It had neon lights, tacky vinyl booths, and a jukebox. It was a popular place for cheap, but decent food and an experience.

They had already been seated and already had their drinks.

“So,” Gabriel started after a sip of his water. His voice took the tone of a therapist, “How long have you secretly had this soft side that listens to Hozier.” 

“Since I was young, actually,” Beelzebub replied, “I started listening to while I realized I was nonbinary.”

“I bet that was a rough time,” Gabriel said dropping his therapist's voice. He didn’t feel close enough to Beelzebub to take the matter lightly. He took another sip.

“Yeah.” Beelzebub nodded, something indescribable crossed their face, “But it’s not important.”

“Everything about you is important.”

Beelzebub could hear their heartbeat, but even more than that, they could hear the incredibly audible hitch of their breath at Gabriel’s words. But they recovered quickly, “Someone’s sentimental.” Their burning face betrayed their steady voice.

“Someone’s important.”

***

“You know what, you said that Dagon joked that your middle name was Janthony,” Aziraphale said, “But you never actually told me what it actually is.”

“And you want me to just give away my middle name?” Crowley said, “You’ll have to guess.”

“I don’t even know your last name,” Aziraphale remarked, “But I believe it starts with an ‘A’.” 

“Yes, and my middle name starts with a ‘J’.”

“Asmodeus?” Aziraphale asked, his eyebrows jumping up.

“Isn’t that a demon?”

“Well, you are from hell,” Aziraphale said.

“The demon of lust?” 

Aziraphale’s face began to burn a fiery red, he turned his face down to his plate. They had already finished their meal and were on to desserts. His plate was topped with crepes. And he took another bite from them, hoping it would distract from his face. 

“Oh,” Crowley drew out the syllable, his face cracking into a smile, “Someone thinks I’m hot.” 

Aziraphale didn’t know what he was expecting Crowley to say, but that wasn’t it. He started to cough, part of the crepe had caught in his throat.

Crowley started laughing until he realized that Aziraphale hadn’t stopped coughing. 

“What do I do?” Crowley asked. His new-found worry mixing with his humor, “Mouth-to-mouth?” 

Aziraphale shook his head erratically. 

“I know, I know,” Crowley said exasperatedly. He drew his hand back, “It was a joke.” He brought it down on Aziraphale’s back and Aziraphale coughed once more before he began to breathe clearly.

“You good?” Crowley asked.

“Mouth-to-mouth?”

“I said it was a joke.”

“And I said nothing because I was choking,” Aziraphale said, “Mouth-to-mouth is used as a method to resuscitate someone started to drown.”

“It’s about to be used as a method to shut you up,” Crowley whispered. 

“What was that?”

“Um, nothing.” Crowley’s face turned red.

***

Beelzebub had been lost in each song before this one, completely entranced by Hozier’s divine singing. But as the next song started to play Beelzebub became strangely, but not uncomfortably, aware of how close the crowd had pushed Gabriel and them together. 

The song was called "Movement". 

And as it went on Beelzebub gradually withdrew from the universe the music created. Their focus shifted from the man singing on stage in front of them to the man standing next to them. And the man next to them, with his brown hair, clean-cut features, and dapper style, had completely earned their attention. 

Beelzebub counted themself lucky that Gabriel hadn’t noticed that he had an audience. 

They weren’t sure why they couldn’t focus on Hozier or why their heart started to work on overtime to triple their heart rate. They could feel the fire on their cheeks. 

The song came to an end and Gabriel turned to catch Beelzebub’s gaze. It was the first time Beelzebub had seen Gabriel’s eyes. They were purple.

“Do I have something on my face?” He asked as Beelzebub still hadn’t looked away.

“Um,” Beelzebub shook their head, “No, sorry.” Their face burned brighter.

***

Gabriel went into his apartment to find the other angels except, as always, Aziraphale. He set his keys down on the table to the side of the door and took off his jacket.

“You’re late,” Uriel noted with crossed arms and a tapping foot. She sat, along with the other three, at the table. 

“I was at a concert, the traffic was bad, calm down,” Gabriel sighed. He carefully removed his shoes before moving across the room to take the last open seat at the table. “What have you guys been up to?”

“We have a plan,” Michael said, excitement danced in her eyes. 

“We made it while you were away,” Sandalphon added. 

“And it’s wicked,” Uriel finished, a tiny smile breaking over her glass face. She leaned forward to retell their plan, rubbing her hands together.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so a small section of this was inspired by omenmeup's post which you can find here: https://omenmeup.tumblr.com/post/185867978613/at-aziraphales-and-crowleys-wedding-reception

Hastur bristled, storming back into the apartment and slamming the door. 

“You good?” Ligur asked from the island counter in the kitchen, over a bowl of cereal. His tired eyes followed Hastur’s path from the front door to the side table next to their television.

“Uriel can choke and die for all I care, but since murder is illegal,” His voice faded as he turned on the CD Player, “I’ve got the next best thing.”

He turned the device up as loud as he could and pushed play. He knew Uriel hated My Chemical Romance, so this would be the perfect way to get back at her.

Hastur leaned against the table with a cheeky grin and crossed arms as the CD moved to the beginning. Then it started to play.

Instead of “The End” by My Chemical Romance, however, the song “Preludium” from the Sound of Music (Original Broadway Cast) began to play. 

A horrified look glazed Hastur’s features. He would recognize the sound of that choir anywhere. Heaven played it one too many times. Hastur screeched out an inhuman sound.

“What’re you doin’?” Ligur asked. 

Hastur jumped and span in quick succession to shut off the music.

“I don’t know why that happened.” He let out a sigh and opened the lid to take a look at the CD. He was greeted with the Sound of Music and he was filled with rage all over again, even though he was expecting it. His hand darted down and ripped it from the machine.

“How in the hell…” Hastur whispered, his voice trailing off as he thought about how that was possible. 

He reached beneath the table for their CD case, yanked it up and plopped it down. He began to rifle through the pages only to find more and more copies of the Sound of Music. 

At the end of the case, Hastur found a polaroid photo of Uriel. She was posed with a wicked grin and middle finger extended. The message, _ Find me if you want your CD’s back. _had been scrawled in neat handwriting underneath the photo.

“Wha’s goin’ on?” Ligur asked.

“It’s the next prank.” Hastur wrinkled his nose. “They swapped out all of our CD’s for the Sound of Music soundtrack.”

“That’s diabolical.” Ligur nodded taking another bite from his cereal.

***

Crowley yawned and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Fixing his arms so that they crossed across his front, he moved to the other side of the kitchen and fixed himself a pot of coffee. He hadn’t reached exhaustion yet, but he was definitely tired.

As he waited for the coffee to brew he crossed over to his CD Player. His hand reached out to push play to the music when an unfamiliar sheet of paper and CD caught his eye.

_Dear Crowley,_

_ I’m sorry to ask, but could you please play the CD resting at the end of this letter? It is the first disc in the Sound of Music soundtrack. _

_ Heaven pulled a prank last night by replacing all of the CD’s in your neighbors’ apartment for the Sound of Music soundtrack. I was supposed to do the same and make you come find me to look for it, but I couldn’t. However, I need you to make them think that I did. _

_ Just in case you’re worried, we do not have keys to your apartment. Uriel just knows how to pick locks. You may want to invest in a bolt and chain just in case. _

_ Also, I’m going out for lunch today, if you would like to join me come to my apartment at noon. And, if you want, you can come half an hour early and can feed the ducks with me. _

_ Love, _

_ Aziraphale _

Something swelled in Crowley’s gut as he read the word ‘Love’. But he swallowed the feeling and carefully retrieved the CD that laid below Aziraphale’s beautiful signature.

He opened the lid to his old CD player and switched out his Queen album for the Sound of Music soundtrack. Shutting the lid with his left, he turned up the sound with his right for the effect. He pushed play and waited for the first song to begin playing. 

Crowley chose his next sentence with extreme thought and calculation, this sentence had to convince his neighbors of his irritation, “Fuck.”

After a beat, he paused the music, satisfied with his performance. He switched out the CD’s once more, turned the volume down so that it could only be heard within his apartment, and pushed play to his music.

***

“Beel,” Gabriel greeted with a smile as exited his apartment. He pulled the door shut behind him and locked it, “I enjoyed the music you and Hell played this morning. It was a really smart choice.”

Beelzebub wrinkled their nose as they locked their door, “Shut up, _ Gaby.” _

“Whatever.” Gabriel shook his head. He and Beelzebub were already in step with each other before they began to cross to the exit of Eden.

Gabriel opened the door as they reached it, moving to the side to let Beelzebub pass through.

“Thanks.”

“Of course.” Gabriel walked through and pulled the door shut, “Are you busy next Friday?”

“Actually,” Beelzebub started, “Yes.”

“That’s a first,” Gabriel laughed.

“You’re mean.”

“What are you up to?”

“It’s pride.”

“Oh.” Gabriel sighed. “Actually, that’s what I was going to ask you to.”

Beelzebub grinned back at Gabriel, “Yes. I’ll go with you.” 

Immediately after saying it they began to worry they responded too quickly and sounded desperate, but the smile that Gabriel flashed back at them set them to ease.

***

“You’re acting this morning was tip-top, my dear boy,” Aziraphale noted. “Here,” He hummed as he handed a container of grapes to Crowley. 

Crowley had just sat down on the floor and the ducks swarmed him. He pulled the container to his chest and removed one of the quartered fruits from within it. “Yeah?” He looked back up to Aziraphale.

“It was perfect.” Aziraphale watched Crowley as he faced the ducks, feeding the grape he had in hand to Terry. “Uriel didn’t give me her usual disapproving look when I renege from a prank.”

“You should join us down in hell,” Crowley mused, “Down there we treat each other like siblings. Our relationship is better than what you tell me of the angels.”

“We’re just a very… tense group.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Aziraphale said, nervous for the words that were about to leave his lips, “I have you.”

“Yeah,” Crowley craned his neck back to Aziraphale and beamed at him, “You do.”

They enjoyed the silence as Crowley kept feeding the ducks. Aziraphale’s attention wanders from the ducks to Crowley, something tingling in his stomach. It felt like butterflies.

They kept the peaceful silence until Crowley was out of grapes, “Here,” Crowley held out the container.

Aziraphale took it and quickly ran it to his kitchen. By the time he returned to the living room Crowley had the majority of the ducks on his lap.

“Oh.” Something stuck Aziraphale’s memory. “I’ve been meaning to ask you, would you like to go to Pride with me next Friday?”

“Of course,” Crowley said, his eyes lighting up with pure excitement.

“Wonderful.” Aziraphale clapped his hands together. “I don’t know if you’ve been before, but they have these rainbow themed crepes there and I’m deeply excited for them.”

Crowley ran a gentle finger over Terry’s head. “You do like crepes.” He turned his head back to look up to Aziraphale.

“They’re simply divine.” Aziraphale’s eyes blew wide with pure delight and a grin spread across his face.

Crowley smiled at Aziraphale’s joy. It saturated the air between the two with pure happiness. 

He opened his mouth to say something in response but pain zapped through his toe. He jerked his foot away and looked down at the culprit. William had just bit him. “Ow.”

“William,” Aziraphale sighed, his happiness melted into exasperation, “I’m sorry.” He knelt down and swept up the duck. “If it’s any consolation, he’s doing it because he likes you and he wants to play with you.” He gave William a stern look, pointing an accusatory finger at him.

He spun around to face the ducks' pen on the other side of the room, a couple of bookshelves away.

“Funny way to go about it.” Aziraphale heard Crowley huff as he walked away, his voice lightly fading with the rows of bookshelves between them.

He reached the pen and sat William down, “Bad boy.” 

William quacked in response.

"If you keep that attitude up,” Aziraphale continued, “You will lose dessert tonight.”

William didn’t respond and Aziraphale hummed triumphantly before making his way back to Crowley.

He crossed the shelves of his apartment again.

“Bite me,” Crowley said at the exact moment he looked up and made eye contact with Aziraphale. 

Aziraphale’s mouth fell slightly open and his face grew incredibly red, “Uh-”

"No, no,” Crowley began quickly. “I was still, oh god, sat-, someone,” He floundered, “I was still talking about William.” His face grew, impossibly, redder than Aziraphale’s, challenging his hair.

“Oh,” Aziraphale said. He couldn’t tell if it was from relief, disappointment, or embarrassment.

“Yeah,” Crowley said, his voice sounding forcibly nonchalant, “I don’t want you to bite me.” 

“Oh.” Aziraphale sighed. Once again, he wasn’t sure if it was a relieved, disappointed, or embarrassed sigh.

“I’m, uh.” Crowley carefully stood up--making sure that all of the ducks were off his lap--and brushed off his clothes, “I’m going to go get changed for the day. I’ll be back.” 

Aziraphale shot him a strange look, seeing as his outfit weren't pajamas, but he didn’t have time to react properly because Crowley darted out of the apartment.

***

Beelzebub sat to the right of Mr. Brewer and across from Gabriel, who sat to the left of Mr. Jones. They had finally rescheduled their meeting and this was it.

Both Beelzebub and Gabriel had been on their phones even though they weren’t supposed to have them. However, neither Brewer nor Jones had noticed the occasional text once the meeting started off and now, twenty minutes later, they still had yet to notice the now constant stream of text messages between the two. 

_<meetings shldnt b allowed 2 have this much small talk>_

_ <It is irritating. We do have places to be. But it makes sense, what happens if you don’t finish your meal by the time you work out a deal? Small talk is necessary.> _

_ <ok, but i still h8 this> _

_ <For a Chief Operating Officer of a company you sure text like a teenager. _

_ And you’re as tall as one too.> _

_ <insult my height or txting again and ill kick u under the table.> _

Beelzebub let out an exasperated sigh. They set their phone down and pulled the drink close to sip through the straw. They glared at Gabriel the entire time as he typed something out. Beelzebub’s phone buzzed and they picked it up.

_ <Kinky.> _

Beelzebub involuntarily spat out the water and Gabriel involuntarily became the target. Water covered Gabriel’s face and Beelzebub followed up their mistake with a loud, drawn-out cough. They hoped that Brewer and Jones would buy it, but the looks that both of them gave Beelzebub told them that it was a stretch.

“What was that?” Mr. Brewer asked. The look on his face matched the irritation and confusing that seeped through his voice.

“A cough,” Beelzebub offered with their most hopeful voice. They added a--what they prayed wasn’t a forced--cough at the end for proof.

“Right.” Mr. Brewer looked unconvinced.

“I’m sorry,” Beelzebub said with a wince.

“Go clean yourself up, Gabriel,” Mr. Jones said, patting him on the shoulder.

***

Crowley hoped against everything that his face had returned to its resting shade, but the residual heat felt incredibly, well, hot. 

He let out a deep breath with his eyes shut before opening them back up and raising his knuckles to the door. Before he could knock, however, the door swung open.

“Hello,” Aziraphale said.

“Hey,” Crowley replied as a slight wince passed over his face.

They both stared at each other, unsure of what to say, hoping that they awkwardness from earlier wouldn’t return but it was already too late.

“I’m sorry,” Crowley began, finally, the pressure of the room becoming uncomfortable. “I made that awkward, I was talking about the duck, and it was all just bad timing.”

“No,” Aziraphale said, “I made it awkward too, I should’ve known what you were talking about. And then I got all flustered.” Aziraphale let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, my dear boy.”

Crowley short-circuited. The utter gentleness and reverence Aziraphale had when he said _ my dear boy _ could have killed Crowley. It weakened his knees. 

“Right. No. Yes.” That’s all he could think to say. His voice had become dry. He caught Aziraphale’s gaze and he suddenly became aware of just how angelic his pale blue eyes were. And slowly, Crowley’s gaze drifted downwards to Aziraphale’s slightly parted lips and he finally snapped back to reality. 

“No,” He sighed, “I meant to say don’t be sorry. You’re okay, angel.”

Crowley felt his blood freeze. He didn’t know where _ angel _ came from but it didn’t matter. Aziraphale’s reaction to the word was more pressing. Crowley scanned his face for any discomfort.

“Angel?” Aziraphale smiled adoringly, angelically.

Crowley awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, “I’m sorry, I don’t know where it came from. I won’t use it-”

“No.” Aziraphale jumped on Crowley’s words, “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I don’t mind at all.” Aziraphale beamed at him.

***

Gabriel had returned from the restroom and took his seat. Immediately he pulled out his phone and began typing something.

Beelzebub picked up their phone expectantly, their narrowed eyes trained on Gabriel. Whatever he was going to say, Beelzebub knew it wasn’t going to be good.

_ <First the water prank, now this? I think you enjoy making me wet.> _

Beelzebub’s jaw dropped and their phone almost did too. Beelzebub’s mind raced, is that flirting? They thought. They had no idea how to respond. But it didn’t matter anyway.

Because an un-shoed foot rubbed against their ankle. Their jaw went completely slack and they didn’t know how to respond in any way other than kicking Gabriel in the shin.

It wasn’t hard but it was unexpected and because of it, he had to stifle a gasp. He kicked Beelzebub back.

Gabriel and Beelzebub had both claimed they knew when to stop, when to draw the line. 

Gabriel and Beelzebub had both lied.

They had both retaliated multiple times, their kicks getting stronger after each round until Gabriel missed Beelzebub’s shin and ended up kicking the leg of the table. He froze as it shifted, silverware fell and drinks were spilled. 

Gabriel took in a deep breath, slowly unfreezing, a sheepish look glazing on to his face as he met the eyes of Mr. Jones. But before he had the chance to start chastising him a waitress approached the table. 

“Excuse me,” She said with a tight smile. The table of four turned their attention to her, “I’m going to have to ask you two to leave.”

***

Gabriel laughed so hard as he put the car into reverse. “That was fun.”

“I’m sorry if you get fired.” Beelzebub didn’t laugh but they smiled.

“I’m not going to get fired.”

“Okay.” Beelzebub didn’t believe him.

The pair drifted off into a comfortable silence and Beelzebub was happy for it. They used the peace to gaze out the window at the city lights. But it was also becoming incredibly difficult to ignore the growing butterflies in their stomach. They didn’t know what to do about it. They also didn’t know how to deny it anymore. They liked Gabriel.

As time passed the butterflies became more persistent and Beelzebub couldn’t stand it. They reached their hand to the radio, but before they could touch the power button their hand collided with Gabriel’s, apparently he had the same idea. Beelzebub could feel electricity sear where they connected, the ghost of his fingers lingered even after they had pulled apart in shock.

“Sorry.”

“You’re fine.”

They finished the car ride in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, leave comments!


	5. Chapter 5

There were a lot of things Crowley particularly enjoyed, one of them was watching the game night group get too distracted to notice what he was up to. 

“Uno,” He said through a winning smile. And the group looked at him with such wild shock.

“Shit.” Hastur said, throwing his head back as his fists hit the table. 

“Sly, Janthony,” Dagon said through playfully narrowed eyes, “How very snake-like of you.”

“Shut up.”

“Change the color,” Dagon said, “I think he has red.”

“He has a blue.” Ligur shook his head, “Don’ change the color.”

Hastur discarded a skip card, taking it straight to Ligur.

Dagon gave him a hasty, pointed look before turning her attention back to Ligur. 

“Cheating, Ligur?” Dagon tutted. “You know what we do to cheaters in this house.” Dagon’s voice dipped from a warning to a threat without so much as a shift in her demeanor. 

“Are you sure about that?” Crowley asked, ignoring the slightly threatening words that preceded his question. 

“You changed it to blue with a wild card a while ago but Hastur changed it back to red before you could play. You haven’ discarded a blue t’all. So, yeah, I’m sure about the card.” He discarded his card to Crowley, a red six.

“I’m watching you,” Dagon whispered. She was at an angle that she could just peer at him over her cards.

“You’re right.” Crowley’s face was unreadable, eyes trained at his one-card hand. “It was a blue…” He lifted his head up so that Ligur could see the absolutely wicked grin he wore, “A blue six.” He smacked the card down triumphantly. 

“Damn it,” Ligur sighed, dropping his cards to the table. 

“Of course,” Hastur growled. “We’re not playing this damned game again.”

“You’re just upset cause you suck at it,” Dagon pointed out.

Crowley opened his smug mouth but his words were cut off by the opening of the room’s door. 

Beelzebub walked through the frame, dropping their keys to the side table next to the entrance. They kicked off their shoes and walked to the table.

“You,” They said, pointing to Crowley.

“That was to the point,” Dagon whispered. Beelzebub lightly smacked her on the shoulder.

“I need to talk to you,” Beelzebub said, keeping their eyes trained on Crowley. 

“Alright.” Crowley stood up, his eyebrows drawn together. 

Beelzebub backed away from the table and walked to their bedroom, Crowley in tow. Once they were both in, they shut the door.

“More fashion advice?” He looked around the room, it was small, a bed in the corner, dresser opposite of it, and a computer desk and desk chair in front of the dresser. He decided on the desk chair and took a seat.

“No. I need a favor.” Beelzebub crossed their arms and leaned back against the wall. 

“Yeah?” He ran a hand through the length of his hair, he had let it grow out so that it was just shorter than his shoulders. 

“Gabriel and I have called a temporary truce.” Beelzebub pushed off the wall and took a step towards Crowley, just barely taller than him like this. “But, I want to stay a step ahead of them. You know Aziraphale, you’re closer to him than any of us are with anyone else. Maybe you could spy on them through Aziraphale, give us the upper hand?”

Crowley thought about his options, or lack thereof, before deciding he should go along with the charade. Just to be safe.

“Sure.”

***

Gabriel had been standing at his door, looking out the peep-hole for the last ten minutes. It was the easiest way for this to go naturally. Or, he conceded, make it seem natural.

Moments passed and he heard the front door to Eden open up, seconds later a white-haired man passed his view. He threw the door open and walked out as if he had been planning on leaving this entire time. 

He closed the door behind him and mocked locking it before casually glancing over to Aziraphale. 

“Aziraphale,” Gabriel called with faux friendliness. 

“Yes, Gabriel?” Aziraphale looked up from the doorknob he had just finished unlocking. 

“I actually needed to talk to you about something.” He took a step away from his door, toward Aziraphale. 

“About?” Aziraphale said, shifting to angle his body towards Gabriel. He figured this conversation wasn’t going to be over soon. 

“Best if we talk inside.” Gabriel nodded towards his apartment.

“Oh, yes, of course.” He swung the door open and stepped through. Moving to the side, he held onto the wood, keeping it open for Gabriel to follow in after him.

“Thank you,” Gabriel said, walking through the doorway. He was about to say something before he was taken aback by the sheer amount of bookshelves Aziraphale’s apartment housed.

“You like to read?” Aziraphale smiled lightly noticing Gabriel’s astoundment. But his smile was more from nerves than anything else. He had been called a nerd one too many times for loving books and frankly he was worried that Gabriel would be like that too.

“Like?” Gabriel said through a scoff, “Love. I love to read.”

“Oh, really?” Aziraphale felt the relief flooding him, the anxiety leaving through a sigh. His nervous smile softened into a real one.

“Definitely,” Gabriel said, a smile spreading across his face. 

“Well, Anathema, one of our neighbors upstairs, and I have a book club, you can join,” Aziraphale said, “If you like.”

“Absolutely,” Gabriel said, “What are you guys reading this month?”

“The Odyssey.”

“Oh, I read that when I was younger, school requirement, of course.” Gabriel shrugged. “I’d love to read it again, though. Do you have an extra copy?”

“Extra?” Aziraphale smiled through a chuckle, “I have three.” He started off on a hurried pace towards a bookshelf in the back well, Gabriel followed after him. 

After they passed a couple of bookshelves Aziraphale stopped abruptly and Gabriel nearly trampled him, but stopped himself in the nick of time. 

Aziraphale had begun to drag a careful finger over the dusty, old bindings. Eventually, he found another one of the copies and pulled it delicately from the shelf.

“Here you go.” Aziraphale smiled at him. “We’re up to the tenth book if you want to read that far by next week you can, but you don’t have to. You can just sit in at the next meeting if you like.”

“Thank you,” Gabriel said, tucking the book under his arm.

Aziraphale led him to the front of his apartment, “Sorry,” He said, “Back to what you were saying.”

“Right.” Gabriel’s face lit up. “I was going to ask if you would keep tabs on the other side. It’s not a secret that you and the demon Cr-”

“Demon?” Aziraphale asked, “Do you really have to call him a demon?”

“It’s all playful.” Gabriel shrugged, “Do you think you can spy on them? Just a bit?”

Aziraphale let out a sigh, before nodding. He gave a halfhearted, “Why not.”

***

“Guess what,” Crowley said. He plopped down onto Aziraphale’s couch and let out a sigh. The couch was huge and comfortable. It could envelop him and he didn’t really mind. 

“Hmm?” Aziraphale crossed into the living room, having just taken in his empty cup of cocoa to the kitchen sink.

“Beelzebub pulled me aside today and asked if I could spy on you and heaven.” He used his fingers to put air quotes around Heaven. 

“Oh?” Aziraphale smiled. He took his seat next to Crowley. “They asked the same thing of me.”

“You think they think that the other side is doing the same thing?” Crowley said. 

Aziraphale paused, hoping that a few seconds would give him the meaning of what Crowley had just said but it didn’t. “What?” 

“Do you think that they are aware that they both asked us to do the same thing?”

“I haven’t a clue… What do you think?”

“I suppose not, they’re idiots,” Crowley said without conviction. “Or,” He said with emphasis, “Beelzebub knows and is already planning some way for me to quintuple cross you.”

“Either way.” Aziraphale nodded, “It does have a certain comical irony to it, don’t you agree?”

“Yeah. It does.”

Aziraphale picked up his book from the coffee table in front of the couch and began to leaf through it to his place. 

They had started doing this recently. Aziraphale would read and Crowley would relax, enjoying the company and the silence. Occasionally, it was accompanied by the fireplace. 

The time seemed to melt away. And an immeasurable amount of it had passed before something seemed to spark in Aziraphale’s memory.

“Crowley?” He laid the book back down on the coffee table and looked over to the lounging man. 

“Yeah?”

“My side has berated me with the question that I can’t seem to answer. Why do you keep listening to “I Want to Break Free’ on loop in the morning? They’re starting to propose a riot.”

“I thought you didn’t know any of their songs. In fact, I thought you didn’t know anything about Queen.”

“I’ve learned quite a few things.”

“Like?”

“Well,” Aziraphale drew, “For example, I learned that there is a Queen concert coming up in three weeks.” He reached into his breast pocket and from it, he pulled out two slips of paper. Tickets.

Crowley’s jaw dropped and his eyes grew wide. “Wait, seriously?” Aziraphale smiled in response. “I thought it was all sold out. How did you get these?”

“Call it a miracle, perhaps.”

“Oh my god.” Crowley grinned wider than Aziraphale had seen before and his eyes were bright. Elation painted its bright colors on his face.

“Lord,” He turned back to Aziraphale, “I’m going to kiss you now.” He put a hand on Aziraphale’s far shoulder and pulled him in for a quick peck on the cheek. He sat back again, too distracted to notice that Aziraphale was grinning just as wide. 

Too distracted to notice that the grin wasn’t from Queen tickets. Too distracted to notice that Aziraphale was blushing. Too distracted to notice that if the room was completely silent it may have been entirely possible to hear the morse-code love letter of Aziraphale’s heart.

***

Beelzebub smiled in the mirror. A quick, fleeting glimpse of their teeth. They had waited a whole year for Pride. It was the only time they felt that they could be open about their gender without having to worry about whether or not someone was going to attack them.

They had solemnly promised that the next time someone told them that they couldn’t use they/them pronouns because they were just one person they would rip their head off. But they didn’t have to worry about that at Pride. 

They could carry a nonbinary pride flag, wear their pronouns pin, tell people their gender, without having to fight to justify their space in the world.

Pride was a haven.

They reached down to the body paint and opened up the four colors that they needed. They smeared a yellow stripe on their right cheek, a white stripe on the left, a purple one beneath the yellow, and a black one beneath the white. 

They smiled again, this one less fleeting. 

***

Beelzebub locked the door to their apartment just in time to see Gabriel leave his. He locked the door and turned to face Beelzebub. 

He was wearing a white muscle tank and a rainbow scarf, a stark contrast to his usual garb. 

“That’s new,” Beelzebub said, working through the hitch in their breath. They gave a pointed look to Gabriel’s outfit.

“You think this is new,” Gabriel started, “Just wait until you see what they did to you.” Gesturing to the paint on Beelzebub’s face, “Have you been in front of a mirror?”

Nerves shot through their gut, “Does it look bad?”

“Oh,” Gabriel drew as if he had just realized something, “The mirror’s too high for you, isn’t it?”

“Gabriel,” Beelzebub said, their voice a warning. “I am small.” Beelzebub took their time with their words. “I am closer to hell. And, I am at the perfect height to punch you in the balls. Do you really want to test my  _ devilishness _ ?”

Gabriel showed his palms in surrender, “You’re right,” He sighed. “I shouldn’t test someone with such a  _ short _ temper.”

“I’ll choke you.” Beelzebub’s voice was deadpan. 

“Kinky.” Gabriel winked. 

Beelzebub’s mind went as blank as Gabriel’s shirt. Their mouth dropped and their face burned. Luckily though, two simple words manifested in their empty mind, “Shut up.” They couldn’t remember what they truly meant, though. 

***

Crowley wore the pride flag as a cape, but it didn’t really get to flap in the wind. It would’ve worked better if the crowd hadn’t been so suffocating. But, he hadn’t the time to worry about it because he had been running around the entire fest all morning in Aziraphale’s tow.

“Where to next?” Aziraphale asked over the sea of people.

“You were really looking forward to those crepes,” Crowley offered, “Wouldn’t want them to run out just yet.”

“Of course,” Aziraphale’s face lit up. “I’ll lead the way.” 

Before either of them began to move, Crowley felt plump fingers curl around his wrist. Electricity shot through his body and he let out a gasp inaudible over the crowd. His head jerking down to confirm that it was, in fact, Aziraphale who had his wrist. 

Who else could it be, Crowley reasoned, the grasp was unyielding but gentle. It carried the same reverence that Aziraphale had when he spoke the words  _ my dear boy _ . He checked anyway, his eyes tracing the connection between his arm and Aziraphale. 

Aziraphale began to drag Crowley through the crowd. And Crowley struggled to keep his feet underneath him as his knees went weak. 

***

There was an indie band playing on the stage. Beelzebub would’ve enjoyed the band. In fact, they wanted too. But that was just too difficult a task with Gabriel dancing as if no one else was there. He was completely lost in his own world. 

Beelzebub let out a sigh, taking a sip from their drink. They admired how comfortable he was just embarrassing himself like that--Beelzebub might admire his courage but he wasn’t a liar, or at least he didn’t make a habit of it, and he wasn’t going to lie now. Gabriel looked like a dumbass when he danced--but they were distracted by how stunning, dumbass-ish or not, he looked.

Beelzebub decided that calling the side of Eden Gabriel was on  _ Heaven _ was a mere coincidence. An irony of a mysterious universe. But to call Gabriel an angel was an understatement. He was divine. 

“Fuck” The word ghosted their lips, inaudible. 

Beelzebub was fully aware that they had fallen for Gabriel, but that last thought put it into perspective.  _ To call Gabriel an angel was an understatement. _ It sounded as if they had tried to write poetry. They hated it. 

They shook their head, trying to think of anything else when they remembered something. 

“Hey,” Beelzebub called. Gabriel didn’t stop his dancing, he couldn’t hear them over the crowd. 

Beelzebub took a step forward, one hand out to tap Gabriel on his shoulder, but they tripped and splashed a bit of their drink onto Gabriel’s tank.

They set their drink down to the ground and retried their step the with more luck.

“I’m sorry.” They reached a hand to their head.

Gabriel had removed the scarf and held it out to Beelzebub. They took it and held it carefully. 

“Well,” Gabriel said, a smile on his face. “I guess I was right last week.”

“What do you mean?”

“You really do enjoy making me wet.”

Beelzebub’s jaw dropped and they smacked Gabriel on the shoulder. And just to make sure that they had emphasized the point they uttered out an “Eww.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes before reaching a hand behind his head to yank off the tank. Beelzebub’s head flew in the opposite direction. 

Gabriel twisted the liquid from the shirt before pulling it back on. “All better.”

Beelzebub looked back to Gabriel. “I’m sorry.” 

Gabriel held out a finger and placed it on Beelzebub’s lips. “Shush. You’re fine.”

***

Crowley and Aziraphale sat down in plastic chairs seated around a rickety table. Aziraphale set his crepes on the tabletop and Crowley did the same with his lemonade shakeup.

“Oh.” Crowley winced. “I didn’t forget to tell you that I have to leave early, did I?” He toyed with his hair as he waited for Aziraphale to respond. 

“You have to leave early?”

“Okay, I forgot.” Crowley sighed. “I have a surprise, but I have to leave early for it.”

“Oh?” Aziraphale smiled. “For me?”

“Yeah.” Crowley’s eyebrows jumped. “Don’t leave I’ll meet up with you when I’m done. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Just go enjoy Pride. I know they have a Drag Show going on when I’m gone. You should watch it.”

“Yes, I was already planning on attending, dear boy,” Aziraphale said.

“Good.”

“I’m sorry you’ll miss it.”

“There’ll always be next year.” Crowley shrugged. 

His gaze drifted from Aziraphale to a couple in the background and he felt something pang in his chest. He looked back to Aziraphale his chest tightening with longing. He shook his head and his gaze fell to the crepes that Aziraphale started to eat.

“Those look good.”

“Don’t they?” Aziraphale said. He took a bite and his head swung back. He finished the bite slowly and let out a satisfied sigh. “They’re simply divine.” He cut off the next piece and picked it up, “Would you like to try a bite?”

“Sure.” Crowley nodded.

Aziraphale held out his hand over to Crowley. 

Crowley reacted before his mind could catch up so he darted forward and ate the crepe from Aziraphale’s hand. He swallowed the dessert, licking his lips as his mind caught up with what he just did. 

Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit, he screamed in his head. Did I  _ really _ just do that? Did that  _ really _ just happen? Ohmygod. Why? Why? Why? Why am I such a dumb? God. The sheer embarrassment of this is going to kill me. Slow and torturous. Someone should shoot me now and put me out of my misery.

I’d blame Satan, but even Satan isn’t dumb enough to just lose all sense of normal and eat out of the palm of his crush’s hand. Does Satan have crushes?

That’s not important right now.

“That was really good,” Crowley said, deciding that pretending like nothing happened would be for the better. He prayed that his flushed face passed as a sunburn.

If Aziraphale was weirded out he didn’t act it, he just smiled at Crowley and said, “Positively ethereal.”

***

Crowley ended up leaving a handful of hours later, saying something about the surprise. The way his eyebrows wiggled, the way his hands rubbed together, Aziraphale knew it something wily, devious. 

Aziraphale didn’t want to stay the entire time, it was boring without Crowley. Everything was boring without Crowley. 

He didn’t dare consider leaving, though. Crowley was up to something and Aziraphale decided that he wanted to know what it was. 

Besides, time away from Crowley was something that he needed. God, it was a paradox, and Aziraphale couldn’t stand it. 

He felt nothing but joy around Crowley. Joy paired with longing. Something that would never be satisfied. Crowley could never like him, he had decided that fact a long time ago. He was chubby, food-obsessed and a book nerd. 

He wanted nothing more in the world than to be around Crowley but didn’t time together just make this worse? 

Time away was good. Necessary. 

***

Uriel rested back against the wall, her arms crossed in an act of permanent exasperation. She watched the group in front of her dance, halfheartedly. Wishing, at the same time, to be one of the dancers with a partner and one of the people who decided to stay at home. 

The dance floor had been roped off, currently, the only people let in were queer women. The only part of Pride that Uriel seemed to enjoy. 

“Funny seeing you here.” Uriel looked to the source of the voice to see that Dagon had sidled up next to her.

“I didn’t know you were gay.” 

“I’m pretty sure,” Dagon said, raising her eyebrows dramatically, “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.” The song in the background turned from “Girls Love Girls” by Hayley Kiyoko to “Night Go Slow” by Catey Shaw and Dagon took note. “Like,” She said, sidestepping directly in front of Uriel, “How I love to dance.”

“Did you just ask me to dance with you?” Uriel pretended to be unimpressed but that didn’t stop the humored, flattered smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“I think so.” Dagon flashed her a toothy grin.

“That wasn’t as smooth as you’d like to think.” Uriel shook her head but pushed off the wall, nonetheless.

Dagon said nothing in return and made her way onto the dance floor, Uriel tracing her path. They came to a stop and faced each other. 

Dagon reached out her hands, pausing, however, before she laid them on Uriel’s waist, “Is this okay?” Dagon’s voice lost it’s playful quality as she asked.

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t,” Uriel sighed. Only then did Dagon rest her hands on Uriel’s waist. Uriel locked her hands around Dagon’s neck. 

And Uriel smiled a tiny bit as they rocked to the song.

***

It was a miracle, Aziraphale supposed, his ability to get a front-row seat to the Drag Show. He was enjoying it, three acts in and the competition was already quite strong. 

They introduced the next Drag Queen but it was way too loud for Aziraphale to hear the name. As per usual, though when the next song came on the crowd quieted down. 

The song was something that Aziraphale would recognize anywhere from countless mornings. “I Want to Break Free.” 

There went the peace of mind that he had been able to hold onto for what felt like seconds. His mind lit up with Crowley’s image. Something burned in his chest.

No rest for the wicked, Aziraphale sighed. 

The music escalated and Aziraphale looked back to the stage. The queen hadn’t made her entrance yet. Seconds passed and Freddie Mercury began to sing, only then did the curtains open, torn asunder, and she jumped onto the stage.

Staying true to the source material, she wore a pink sweater and short black skirt. Unlike the original video, however, she wore ginger hair that hung just above her shoulders, but it wasn’t a wig. 

She began to stalk down the catwalk. Finally, Aziraphale could get a good view of her face.

His jaw dropped and he leaned forward in his seat. His eyes narrowed, “Crowley?” He whispered, “Was that... Crowley?” 

His eyes trailed after the queen, following her path as she made her way to the end of the catwalk and slowly turned back. At that moment Aziraphale had no doubt in mind.

The queen that strutted up and down the stage, hips swinging like a pendulum, was definitely Crowley. 

Aziraphale grinned and leaned back in his chair.

***

Aziraphale raced out of the seating area once Crowley finished the routine and wandered around to the back of the stage. It was easy enough to find where the queens prepared, it was roped off by some railing, the hard part would be getting Crowley’s attention. 

Or so he thought. 

Immediately after exiting the stage Crowley saw him and a smile fell onto his lips. He raced over to him.

“Did you enjoy the show?” Crowley asked. He met Aziraphale’s gaze and Aziraphale felt his heart pound. 

“Yes,” Aziraphale said, “It was brilliant.” 

“You really think so, angel?”

“You were fantastic, my dear boy.” Aziraphale returned his bright grin and the world around them seemed to fade into nothing. 

But nothing gold can stay, and too soon did Crowley have to go get out of his costume.

***

“So,” Gabriel yawned. He and Beelzebub had started to make their way back to Eden. “Did you have fun today?”

“Of course.” Beelzebub flashed him a quick smile. Their hands were shoved into their pockets to fight the nighttime chill.

“Good.”

“Hmm,” Beelzebub hummed. They removed their hands from their pockets and crossed their arms for show. 

“What?”

“Well, it’s just that,” Beelzebub started, “I don’t believe that good by itself is  _ proper _ grammar. You need a verb and a noun to form a sentence. Talking like that makes you seem unprofessional.”

“Really?” Gabriel asked, stopping his walk to give Beelzebub the side-eye. “Is that how it’s going to be?”

“If I can’t be unprofessional than neither can you.”

“And how do I know if something’s unprofessional to you or not?”

“Ask.” Beelzebub’s voice was deep with authority.

“Okay. I have a question then.” Gabriel took a step closer to Beelzebub. He placed two hands on their shoulders, “Is this-” He pushed them back into the wall, “-unprofessional?” He had to bend his legs at an awkward angle to be able to properly line up with Beelzebub’s line of sight, but he managed.

Beelzebub forgot that they had been asked a question. They felt the urge to lurch forward, to wrap their arms around Gabriel’s neck and pull him close. But they fought it. 

Well, they didn’t really have to fight, honestly. They were paralyzed by just how close their bodies were. So shocked that they didn’t even remember what an urge was, much less how to fight one. 

“Hmm?” Gabriel pressed, reminding Beelzebub that they were asked a question. 

“Yes.” Beelzebub shook their head. They realized they just sent mixed signals, but they didn’t care. “Definitely.” Reality began to restore around them and they slowly found the ability to speak as Gabriel backed off. 

Gabriel’s body heat had warmed them up and now that it had just disappeared the night seemed colder. It helped piece their mind together. “You should be fired for conduct like that.”

“Should I now?”

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

The thick tension filled the room before the door was even shut. Dagon, Hastur, and Ligur both eyed the pair as they calmly sauntered from the door to the table. 

Crowley took the spot on the end, sitting down perfectly in time with Aziraphale. So synchronized that there was no way that it wasn’t practiced. 

What Dagon, Hastur, and Ligur would never know was that they did, in fact, practice the walk and the sit for no less than thirty minutes.

“Where’s Beelzebub?” Crowley said, still not reacting to the way the other three glared at him. “They’re not coming today,” Dagon replied but her eyes were trained on Aziraphale.

“Somethin’ ‘bout a date.” Ligur shrugged. His eyes were shifting between Aziraphale and Crowley.

“Then it shouldn’t be too problematic if Aziraphale, here, joins us for tonight.” Crowley challenged Hastur’s glare, he was the only one who’s eyes stayed planted on Crowley. 

“I guess not,” Dagon shrugged, her gaze shifted away from Aziraphale. She reached to the chair next to her and picked up a box. “I say we start with Cards Against Humanity,” Dagon said. Her eyes playfully darted back up to Aziraphale, “ _ If _ you think you can handle it.”

Aziraphale narrowed his eyes at her. His voice rose in pitch, as it did when he felt offended, “I can handle it.”

“Aziraphale,” Crowley warned, “I don’t think-”

“I can handle it.” He shot Crowley a quick glare as his voice gained an air of authority, losing the whiny tone. 

“Ooo, catfight,” Dagon whispered a smile curling at her lips.

“Well,” Crowley started, ignoring Dagon’s comment, “If you  _ think _ you can handle it.”

Aziraphale straightened his back and adjusted his bowtie indignantly, “I am an adult, after all.” 

“Are you sure?” Hastur said, an evil gleam in his eye.

“Yes.”

“Well.” Dagon pulled off the top of the box. “If  _ you _ think you can handle it.”

***

“Why did we go roller skating?” Beelzebub asked as they got out of Gabriel’s car. “Didn’t you say you and skates were a matched made in Hell?”

“Maybe you made it.” Gabriel shrugged. They began walking level with one another, “Doesn’t matter anyway, ‘cause I know that you enjoy to skate and I wouldn’t mind learning.”

“I said I enjoy roller derby, this isn’t the same thing,” Beelzebub said. “I can’t push people here... Wait. Learn? God, you’re gonna fall on me, aren’t you?” Beelzebub sighed.

“Wouldn’t you enjoy that?”

“I swear to God.” Beelzebub shook their head, hoping that their face wasn’t as red as they imagined.

“Anyway,” Gabriel continued, “Last time I was here I ended up with bruises all over.”

“Well,” Beelzebub snickered, “As you like to say; kinky.”

Gabriel chuckled as they reached the entrance to the rink.

“We really don’t have to do this, you know.”

“No, I’m in the middle of my life, it’s a little embarrassing that I don’t know how to skate.”

“Wait, you’re going to die in your sixties?” Beelzebub asked. “You sure have high hopes.”

“Can you teach me or not?”

“Yeah.” Beelzebub smiled and rolled their eyes.

***

Ligur drew the first black card for Cards Against Humanity. “‘Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.’’ He set the card down towards the middle of the table.

They had started the gameplay after Crowley had explained all the rules to Aziraphale and once they had ten cards in hand. 

As time went by each person had eventually placed two white cards in the middle while Ligur held his eyes shut.

“You’re good.”

Ligur opened his eyes and picked the pair closest to him. “Here’s the firs’ two… “God is a slippery slope that leads to humans.” Everyone laughed meekly. 

Ligur set the two down and picked up the next ones. “Doing murders in the basement is a slippery slope that leads to getting so angry that you pop a boner.”

The group laughed, except for Aziraphale who got red in the face. He crinkled his nose at the cards. Apparently, he didn’t appreciate dark humor. 

Ligur put them down and retrieved the next two, “Ripping into a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart is a slippery slope that leads to eating people.” He smacked the cards down with a wicked smile. 

Aziraphale cringed this time, his mouth hanging agape.

“So, we have a cannibal here.” Crowley looked between Hastur who had a self-satisfied smile and Dagon who was licking her lips while making direct eye contact with Crowley.

“Last one,” Ligur said. He picked them up and gave a chuckle, “Self-loathing is a slippery slope that leads to sad hand jobs.” He set them down through the laughter of the group. It came from everyone except Aziraphale, who seemed more and more uncomfortable by the second. 

Dagon noticed Aziraphale’s face and smiled, “You never heard a dick joke before?” 

“Back off,” Crowley snapped. His nose was flared and his glare was threatening. He reached for his phone, letting his gaze on Dagon linger before looking at the device. 

He typed something up and sent it. 

Aziraphale’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He reached down and fished it out, opening up the notification.

_ <If you don’t want to stay through this you don’t have to their jokes are going to get worse and worse just to make you uncomfortable _

_ No shame in calling quits> _

_ <Actually, dear boy, there is. Besides, I can handle a few phallic jokes.> _

_ <Don’t feel pressured to be uncomfortable just for me I can ask them to change the game or you can sit it out don’t be uncomfortable because you think you have to> _

_ <I’m perfectly fine, dear boy.> _

“Hey.” Dagon pounded a fist against the table, “This isn’t iPhone hour. Get off them.” Dagon let out an unreasonably loud sigh, “Millennials.”

Crowley looked at Dagon with mild exasperation. “Okay, but we’re from the same generation,” He sighed. 

“Are you sure about that?” Dagon asked.

“You’re the same age as me. And we’re not even millennials.”

“Shut up,” Hastur snapped, over the two. “Can we get back to the game?” Crowley and Dagon stopped as Hastur looked back and forth between them with a side-eye. “Thanks,” he added without conviction. He turned to his left at Ligur, “Who won?”

“The doin’ murders ‘un.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Dagon said, with a wide grin, “That was mine.”

***

“Angle your feet so they look like a ‘v’,” Beelzebub said with a hand on Gabriel’s right arm. 

“Are you sure blades are easier?”

“I can’t skate on skates so I can’t teach you on those,” Beelzebub sighed. “And yeah, I’m sure. Skates are dumb.”

“Okay.”

“Just push your feet to the side. Do not push backwards, if you have your feet angled it should work just fine.” They looked across Gabriel’s body to make sure that he had a hand on the wall next to him before letting go. 

“Watch me.” They moved forward on their blades, smoothly but slowly demonstrating what they had meant.

Gabriel nodded and copied their movements, not entirely accurately, but it was decent for a first try.

“Nice.” Beelzebub smiled proudly at him as he reached them. “Do it again.” 

***

Crowley picked up the next prompt card, turned it face up and slid it to the middle, “Waterboarding is foreplay. The real torture starts when Trump whips out blank.”

The group scanned their cards before they each played one. Crowley reached forward and grabbed the four and shuffled them in his hand. 

“Here we go.” He set the cards face down onto the table and drew the first one. “Ew.” He shivered, “Why…”

“What is it?” Hastur asked.

“Waterboarding is foreplay. The real torture starts when Trump whips out barking spiders.” Crowley threw the card down and shook a bit, “I hate whoever put that one.”

“Would you happen to have arachnophobia, dear boy?” Aziraphale asked. 

“Yes,” Crowley said, his eyes going wide, “Very much so-” He began to sputter on and on about how his arachnophobia started. Unbeknownst to him, Aziraphale had moved his hand behind Crowley’s neck. He tapped his fingers with feather light touches, against the back of his neck.

Crowley screamed and jumped out of the chair, failing to get his feet underneath him and instead he collapsed to the ground. 

“I like you.” Dagon nodded at Aziraphale with an overjoyed smile on her face.

Aziraphale smiled and opened his mouth to say something back but he was cut off by Hastur. “Oh, get up.”

“I’m working on it,” Crowley sighed, finally dragging himself back in the chair. 

“Are you good there, dear boy?”

“Shut up.” Crowley wrinkled his nose and crossed his arms. He reached for the next card, deciding to just steamroll through the moment, the quicker the better. 

“Waterboarding is foreplay. The real torture starts when Trump whips out Donald Trump’s deleted tweets.” Hastur laughed at that but nobody else did. Crowley set the card down and picked up the next one. 

“Waterboarding is foreplay. The real torture starts when Trump whips out Putin.” He laid it next to the first two and picked up his last one, “And… Waterboarding is foreplay. The real torture starts when Trump whips out Hillary Clinton’s sexts.”

The laughter of the group filled the air and it hit Aziraphale hard.

He had spent years in Eden uncomfortable being around his neighbors. The only one he was close with was Anathema, but they had met before she moved to Eden and it didn’t really count. Aziraphale hadn’t felt like he fit in anywhere in a long time, but here he felt at home. 

Not entirely comfortable, because, well, he didn’t have a big taste for dirty humor, but other than that. He didn’t feel judged or hated. 

A tiny part of him regrets asking Crowley to turn his music down, what caused their first meeting all that time ago, it was the start of a beautiful friendship, but on another level a very painful pining. 

But the bigger part of him wouldn’t trade it in for anything. 

“I think we all know which one won.” Crowley picked up ‘Hillary Clinton's sexts’ from the table and held it up to the group, “Whose is this?”

Aziraphale’s face turned another shade darker as he said, “It’s mine.”

“Really?” Crowley asked, before handing the card over to him, “Nice job.”

***

Beelzebub and Gabriel had been practicing on the carpeted area around the front desk and Gabriel had finally felt comfortable enough to dare the actual rink.

It was a large wooden floored oval, at each end of each side were exit hallways, barely long enough to be considered such, cut out from the rest of the wall. 

They took it easy, going at a slow pace, to begin with. But shortly after thirty minutes into this skating session, it became jam-packed with skaters. Many moved faster and more recklessly than the two.

“I’m starting to dislike this.”

“Wow,” Beelzebub deadpanned, “Such strong language. You should watch yourself there are kids here, Gabriel.”

“Shush,” Gabriel said, “I’m just saying it’s starting to get a bit crowded and those teenagers look aggressive.”

“I mean,” Beelzebub shrugged, “Teenagers are monsters. But it’s not like they’re out to get you.”

“I’m just saying this isn’t ideal.”

“Do you want to leave?” Beelzebub asked.

“Do you?”

“Doesn’t matter. Do you want to leave or not?”

“Beelzebub,” Gabriel sighed, “I’m fine. I enjoying being with you. I don’t give a shit about the location.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Something in Beelzebub’s mind started shouting ‘That’s gay,’ at them. But they didn’t want to believe it. In fact, they didn’t. No, they decided, he was just being friendly.

***

Dagon had just collected the last of the response cards, shuffling them up before starting to read. This time the black card had said: “In bookstores now: ‘Well if __ is a crime, then lock me up!’”.

“Okay,” She started, “In bookstores now: ‘Well if poverty is a crime, then lock me up!’.” She set the card down and pick up her drink to take a sip.

“I mean,” Crowley said, his eyes wide, “In this economy.” 

Dagon spits her drink back into her cup, while everyone else laughed raucously. It was quick laughter, driven from fear of their future more than anything else. 

“That was good.” Ligur smiled, offering Crowley a fist bump, that he kindly took. 

“Next,” Dagon said, holding the next card up facing her, “In bookstores now: ‘Well if slaughtering innocent civilians is a crime, then lock me up!’.”

The group--save Aziraphale, who was still uncomfortable with gallows humor--laughed. They all stopped except Hastur, who, for some reason, found that so incredibly funny that he couldn’t stop laughing. 

“You good there?” Crowley asked as Hastur ran out of breath. He shook his head. 

Once he recovered the group turned to look at Dagon, to find that she had picked up her phone.

“I have to go.” She said, standing up from the table with a stretch. 

“What?” Ligur asked.

“I. Have. To. Go,” She repeated. She slipped her phone into her back pocket and walked over to the door, pulling on her shoes. 

“Why?” Crowley asked.

“I’ve just been informed that it’s karaoke night at Hayne’s.” Dagon’s eyebrows jumped up and down as she slipped on her leather jacket.

“Hayne’s,” Crowley said, “That’s the lesbian bar, ‘innit?”

“Look at you, Janthony.” Dagon faked a smile of parental pride. “You’re getting smart.”

“We are literally in the middle of game night,” Hastur sighed.

“Let me try this again,” Dagon said. “Lesbians,” She overemphasized that word, as well as the next, “Karaoke.” She opened up the front door and moved to stand in the doorway. 

“But-”

“Lesbians and karaoke, Crowley.”

“B-”

“Lesbians and karaoke.” And with that, she left the apartment.

***

Gabriel, slowly but surely, improved as they continued to skate. He would stumble every so often, but besides the occasional trip-up, he was managing quite well.

Beelzebub had kept a hand on his arm. It was a placebo hand, not helping Gabriel in the slightest, but it gave him enough confidence to continue. At least, that was what Beelzebub would say. 

Beelzebub was queer, crushing on Gabriel, and touched starved, mix that together and you got the undying need to keep a hand on Gabriel’s arm. 

They were just getting ready to lap another exit way. As they drew closer on it a group of teenagers passed by them, cutting it a little too close. Gabriel stumbled to his right, directly onto Beelzebub. 

Beelzebub knew how to skate backwards and recovered quite quickly, easily gliding into the exit way, their back coming up against the door. 

Gabriel, however, hadn’t learned how to recover and flailed after Beelzebub. Miraculously he didn’t fall, but that meant he didn’t stop either. He continued in his path until he fell into Beelzebub. They were pressed chest to chest.

“I’m sorry,” Gabriel said quickly, not sure how to pull away without falling. One leg was pushing at some odd angle against the wall behind him, the other was supporting him to the right of Beelzebub.

Beelzebub had almost lost complete control of their knees being this close to Gabriel.

“You’re fine.” Their voice was faint, barely audible over the music. 

They lost all sense of thought and quickly grabbed at Gabriel’s scarf, pulling him close. Their lips crashed together, and what Beelzebub had intended on being a quick peck turned into something more passionate with Gabriel’s reaction.

Eventually, they pulled back for a breath, but neither of them moved more than half an inch, afraid to lose what they just got. 

“I’ve been thinking about that for a while now.” Beelzebub’s voice was just a pant by now.

“Me too.” Gabriel let out a humored breath through his nose and smiled. He pulled Beelzebub back into a kiss. 

Their world was nothing but the other.

Which quickly lead to be a problem because they had completely forgotten that they were still at a roller rink.

“Excuse me,” Someone said, but their voice was a blurry background noise in their make-out session. 

“Excuse me,” They repeated louder this time. And Beelzebub and Gabriel both jumped away from each other. They each fell to the ground, backs against the wall.

“PDA is not welcome here. This is a family-friendly place and I must ask you to leave.”

***

Dagon sauntered into Hayne’s.

She couldn’t sing but thought that people who could were attractive. So naturally, this became her favorite night at the bar.

She aimed for the stage as she moved through the crowd of people. There must’ve been over a few hundred there. It was crowded. 

So it came as no surprise to her when she shoulder checked someone, accidentally, of course. 

She looked over her shoulder in hopes of apologizes to see that the other person had done the same thing. Dagon recognized this other person. 

“Oh,” Dagon said, “Fancy seeing you here.” She turned back to face her.

“Dagon,” Uriel greeted coldly, “Are you here to sing?”

“Would you like me to be here to sing?” Dagon asked, raising her eyebrows, “I can make that happen.”

“You’re still not smooth.” Uriel shook her head playfully, “But sure. Impress me.”

“Will do.” Dagon winked at her before she moved away from Uriel and returned on her path to the stage.

“Fuck,” She whispered. What am I going to do? She thought. I can’t sing. 

She let out a sigh as her gaze fell down upon the glowing solution to all of her problems. 

The fire alarm. 

Without another thought or hesitation, Dagon lunged forward and pulled the handle. The alarm started to sound off and the sprinklers began to run.

***

Aziraphale and Crowley left Dagon’s apartment, waving goodbye to Ligur and Hastur who decided to clean up for Dagon.

“That was rather fun, don’t you think?” Aziraphale said.

“I’m shocked at you.” Crowley shook his head. They split up going to opposite sides of the hall, “Shocked that you could stand it.”

“Stand it?” Aziraphale shook his head with a smile, “I won.”

“I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“To make a naughty joke?”

Crowley sighed through his teeth, “Okay, saying naughty joke instead of a dirty joke just makes it worse.”

“I mean, I don’t enjoy talking about sex in front of others, but,” He paused, his voice slowing down, “I’m no stranger to the romance section of my library. It’s not my favorite, nor my first choice, but I’ve read a few things. I know a few things. So, I decided to use that to my advantage to win against you guys. Even if I was slightly uncomfortable.”

“Who doesn’t love a good romance?” Crowley asked. His smile so pure and his gaze was so soft, “Night, angel.”

“Goodnight, my dear boy.”

***

Dagon was soaked by the time she had evacuated the bar. Completely dripping. She had taken off her leather jacket and stuffed it up her shirt to protect it. 

So she was left out in the cold of the night, bare-armed and wet. 

She searched the crowd for Uriel, Uriel was the only person she really knew at the bar. After about ten minutes she finally found her.

“Hey,” She said.

“God,” Uriel said, “You look cold.” Her voice sounded emotionless, but the way she looked at Dagon told Dagon that she cared. 

Dagon shrugged, “It is what it is.”

“I’m impressed.” Uriel crossed her arms, something close to humored flashed across her face.

“Huh?”

“I would never have pegged you as one to unlawfully pull a fire alarm.”

“Shh,” Dagon said with wide eyes. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “How do you know that?”

“I saw you do it.”

“Oh.”

“Willing to risk arrest for me.” Uriel tsked, giving off the mixed signals she was aiming for, “That’s smooth.” She pulled out a pen from her back pocket along with some scrap paper.

“You carry around a pen in your back pocket?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, writing something out. “Never know when I’m going to need to write something out.” She stopped, slipped the pen back in the pocket and held out the paper, “Like my number.”

***

“Adam,” Wensleydale started, “What do we do if they wake up while we’re doing this?” All of them, except Brian, were carrying a pail, three filled with honey, three with feathers. 

“Run.” Adam shrugged. They carefully maneuvered down the stairs, setting their pails down.

“This is going to last longer than our last prank,” Brian added thoughtfully, sitting on the stairs. 

“Yeah, but they stopped, it’s no fun if they aren’t pranking each other.” Adam pulled out the twine from his pocket along with a dozen adhesive Command hooks. 

“Yeah, but this seems like more than a prank,” Pepper added, “I mean honey and feathers? That’s a step away from tar and feathers.” 

“Tar’s pretty dangerous,” Brian continued.

“Nobody’s tarring anyone.”

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

It was a simple system. Two buckets, using Jumbo Command hooks and string, were secured, one above the other and were about an inch away from the door facing outwards. 

The bottom of the two was angled up just enough to stop the contents from pouring out. It was held in that position by a string attached from the lip of the bucket to the top of the door.

The string connecting it to the door had a piece of ‘v’ shaped plastic attached so that once the door opened it would hook oton a Command hook, that way when the door shut the bucket would still stay tipped. 

The second bucket was out farther than the lower bucket. It was connected by a string to a heavy rock within the lower bucket.

This system made it so that once the door opened the lower bucket would tip, dumping all of its contents out, along with the rock. The rock would fall and pull down and dump the second bucket.

The first bucket had honey.

The second one had feathers. 

Michael stepped outside of her apartment with a yawn. She pulled the door shut and locked it. 

Turning to move towards the door, something sticky fell onto her head. She reached a hand up to her hair and looked up. Just in time to see thick, golden honey falling towards her. Before she could move it hit her square in the face. 

She clenched her teeth, moving to wipe off her face when she felt something soft. Something small. Lots of somethings, in fact. Feathers. 

***

Michael had texted the group about the most recent prank, making sure they didn’t fall victim. And while she took a shower Gabriel, Sandalphon, Uriel and Aziraphale carefully disabled them. 

They now gathered in Michael’s apartment, she sat at the table silently fuming and stirring her tea. She felt too upset to drink it. 

“We are going to get back at them,” Gabriel said as a reassurance, throwing a careful and hasty glance over to her. 

“Is that the wise-”

“Really, Aziraphale?” Uriel asked, crossing her arms.

“Hey,” Gabriel said, putting a hand up, palm facing Uriel, to pause her. “Let him finish.” 

Aziraphale smiled. Ever since that morning where Gabriel found out that they had something in common, where Gabriel was invited to Aziraphale’s book club, he had made a subtle change in how he was to Aziraphale. A little more patient. A little more kind. Something about connecting with people over literature seemed to make them a little closer.

“Thank you.” Aziraphale nodded, indignant, “Clearly, this has gone too far. What if we stop this before someone actually gets hurt.”

“We’re adults.” Gabriel waved away Aziraphale’s concern with a flick of his hand, “We know when to stop.”

“Do you, truly?”

“Yes.” He attempted to give Aziraphale an irritated look. But in actuality, he was just scrunched up his face in a way that made him seem constipated. He let out a breath and relaxed, turning back to face Michael. “What do we do? It’s your call. Your revenge.”

Aziraphale stood up and crossed to the kitchen at  _ revenge _ . His arms folded in front of his body. “How mature.  _ Revenge _ .” He whispered. 

“Water balloons,” Michael shot back quickly, steamrolling over any attempt to respond to what Aziraphale had said. “At night.”

“Break and entering is a crime,” Aziraphale said, his mouth dropped, his eyes wide. His voice was a plea for someone else to be a voice of reason. 

“All’s fair in love and war.” Gabriel shrugged.

“You have an incredibly strange way of showing love,” Aziraphale deadpanned, “It must be that because this isn’t a war.” His voice was gaining in pitch.

“Oh,” Sandalphon sighed, “As the kids these days say, it will buff out.”

“That’s not how they say it,” Uriel shook her head.

“I refuse to take part in this,” Aziraphale put his hands up in surrender. He made his way to the door. “I refuse to be guilty by association. Goodbye.”

***

_ <i hv an idea 4 r 1st d8> _

_ <Your texting has gotten atrocious.> _

_ <do u want the d8 or not _

_ i will cancel> _

_ <What’s your idea?> _

_ <gokarts> _

_ <YES!> _

_ <r u sure, u dnt seem enthusiastic> _

_ <Shut up> _

***

_ <Hey, meet me in the parking lot in an hour> _

_ <Oh? What for?> _

_ <Surprise> _

_ <Are you not working in an hour?> _

_ <I took it off> _

_ <Why?> _

_ <Do you like surprises> _

_ <I happen to be very fond of them.> _

_ <Hmm…> _

_ <What is it?> _

_ <You ask a lot of questions for someone who likes surprises _

_ Enjoy being surprised> _

_ <I shall spend the day in suspense.> _

_ <It’s just an hour you can wait an hour> _

_ <We shall see. _

_ See you in an hour.> _

_ <Drama queen> _

***

Aziraphale took his seat on the couch closest to the kitchen as Anathema took the seat next to him.

“Gabriel will be joining us today.”

“Oh,” She hummed thoughtfully, she set her book down on the coffee table, “I thought you didn’t like Gabriel.”

“I must confess, I did not know him well enough to have a truthful opinion of him.”

“Judging books by their covers, are you?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

“A terrible habit, I know,” Aziraphale sighed, throwing up his hands in mock surrender. “That is, unfortunately, how it usually goes. I remember my first opinion of Crowley-”

“That’s attractive gay guy’s name, right?”

“Yes.” Anathema clenched her fist in success. “I first thought that he was a… punk.”

Anathema shot him a judgmental look, “Nobody says that.”

“That’s a modern term.”

“Sure, if by modern you mean the 70’s.”

“Oh.”

Anathema smiled at the mildly crestfallen look on his face. “Well,” She said as if it were a concession, “In your defense, I’m sure thirty years doesn’t seem that far away to an ancient man such as yourself.”

“How kind.” He placed a hand over his heart and sounded as if he had received a legitimate compliment. 

She let out a soft laugh. 

“How are you and Mr. Pulsifer doing?”

“Me and  _ Mr. Pulsifer _ are doing quite fine, thank you.”

“I do apologize,” His voice taking a tone that was a mix of mirth and seriousness, “but what a dreadful last name.”

“Yeah,” She sighed, shaking her head slowly with wide eyes, “It doesn’t sound good, does it?”

“Not at all, my dear.”

“We’ve said that he’ll take my last name if we marry.”

“Newt Device sounds so much better than Anathema Pulsifer.”

“You’re right,” Anathema nodded. She opened her mouth to add something but the sound of an opening door cut her off.

“Hello,” Gabriel’s disembodied voice called out.

“We’re back here.”

“Okay.” Wide-set footsteps sounded their way off all the way to the couches and Gabriel quickly came into view. 

“Welcome to the book club,” Anathema greeted warmly, “I’m Anathema Device.”

“Gabriel.” He nodded back. He moved to the couch opposite of the pair and took his seat.

Aziraphale smiled at him, “Let’s get started, shall we?”

***

Gabriel opened his door and locked the car before Beelzebub had been given the chance to open their door. Beelzebub shot him a weird look as he jumped out.

Gabriel ran around to the other side of the car, unlocking the doors. He pulled open the door.

“My they’dy.” 

Beelzebub dropped their mouth. “I hated that.”

“Yeah?” Gabriel asked, a laugh coating his words, “I did too.” He stepped away from the car so that Beelzebub could get out.

“What was that about?” Beelzebub asked.

“I wanted to open your door like a proper gentleman for our first date.”

“Heteronormative,” Beelzebub sighed, “I can open my own door.”

“Fine,” Gabriel sighed.

“I’m messing,” Beelzebub said, playfully pushing his shoulder, “You better open the door for me. I’m royalty.”

“Yeah you are,” Gabriel nodded, “Prince of Hell, right?”

“Shut up.” Beelzebub smiled, “Have you ever been go-karting before?”

“When I was younger. How about you? Are you even tall enough to reach the pedals?”

“Fuck you.”

“You would.”

“I don’t know,” Beelzebub shrugged, “I don’t make a habit of screwing dick.”

“How are we supposed to-”

Beelzebub quickly smacked his arm, “You know what I meant.” 

***

Aziraphale gripped the handle of the Bentley, “Where are we going?” He wanted to focus on something other than the fact that they might die today, based on Crowley’s driving.

“You’ll have to wait and see.”

“I retract my earlier statement.”

“And what was that?”

“That I like surprises. I take it back.” Aziraphale took in a breath through clenched teeth as Crowley made a sharp turn, “I… dislike them.”

“Well, if you hold on for another five minutes-”

“Are you sure we can make five minutes with you driving like this? You’re going to kill us.” 

“At least we’ll die together.” Crowley shrugged. 

"It may be beneficial to get our headstones now, while we're out today.”

"Headstones are expensive, Instead, we should get a double headstone and we can be buried right next to each other.”

“Like a married couple?” Aziraphale asked.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Crowley gripped the steering wheel tighter, hoping that his face wasn't as red as it felt. 

***

_ <Me: we need a plan> _

_ <snek: No, we really don’t they didn’t do anything to us, why?> _

_ <Me: we need to get the upper hand> _

_ <blonde dude: A brilliant idea.> _

_ <lizard dude: What are you thinking?> _

_ <fish: Something with paint> _

_ <snek: ???????  _

_ Why?> _

_ <blonde dude: I don’t want to clean up from it.> _

_ <fish: Fine water balloons> _

_ <Me: i like that> _

_ <snek: What do you mean water balloons?> _

_ <fish: Attack them while they’re sleeping> _

_ <snek: Oh, my God. That’s illegal> _

_ <fish: How> _

_ <snek: Breaking into their apartment????> _

_ <Me: itll b fine> _

_ <snek: You guys give me anxiety> _

***

Gabriel and Beelzebub headed the two lines of karts getting ready to go, their karts sat next to each other. They had already been strapped in and were waiting for the checkered flag.

“You ready to go?”

“No.” Gabriel shook his head, “You?”

“Hell yeah.”

“You know, this could one of two ways,” Gabriel sighed, looking forward. “You’re either going to drive like a grandma-”

“Look,” Beelzebub interrupted, “I am filled with so much,” They waved their hand as they thought of their words, “Existential… rage. Do you really see me driving like a grandma?”

“-Or a bat out of Hell.”

“What do you take me for? Reckless?”

“Well, you are from Hell.”

“And it is as indicative of my nature as being from heaven is indicative of yours. Not. At. All.”

“Hush.” Gabriel had noticed someone with a flag walking towards the front of their line, but it seemed as if Beelzebub hadn’t noticed. “You’re too small to be-”

“I swear to G-”

“I should warn you-”

“No, listen here, you-”

“Beelzebub-”

“What?” They snapped. Gabriel pointed to the man who had just begun to wave the checkered flag. He stepped on the gas pedal, leaving Beelzebub holding up the line.

***

The Bentley came to a stop in a parking lot that sat outside a park. 

Grassy slopes surrounded a large glistening lake. It was full of trees, bushes, and flowers. Birdbaths, benches, and grills dotted the landscape. It was beautiful.

“A park?” Aziraphale asked.

“A park.” Crowley nodded. 

He removed the keys from the ignition, shoved them in his pocket and jumped out of the car. He moved to the backseat door and pulled it open, revealing a picnic basket sitting on the seats. He swung it over his arm, into the crook of his elbow and went back up to the front of the car where Aziraphale had moved to.

Aziraphale eyed the basket, “A picnic?” His voice seemed pleasantly surprised.

Crowley smiled and nodded, “Mhm.”

“Lovely.”

***

Beelzebub, as it turned out, drove like the latter, a bat out of Hell. They wore a wicked grin as they weaved in and out of cars, racing to pass Gabriel. Gabriel, on the other hand, drove like the former. A grandma. He didn’t think that it was a good idea to be going that fast when everyone was this close to each other.

Beelzebub could see Gabriel’s kart just ahead of them. So, they pressed the pedal as far as it would go and sped up after him.

As they made it up to Gabriel, they still hadn’t slowed down, meaning they were taking the next curve too fast. They ended up sliding slightly and bumped into Gabriel. 

Before Beelzebub could course-correct they already felt themselves being moved, their head jerked to the side to see that Gabriel had playfully nudged them. However, they weren’t paying attention to their other side and ended up running into a kart with the number ‘76’.

76 rammed Beelzebub back, sending them spinning towards Gabriel. Gabriel sped up to avoid a collision.

“Not my datemate, you don’t.” He yelled over the roar of the engines and just like that a switch was flipped. He went from grandma to bat out of Hell. He took off after 76, catching up to them. He rammed their kart back and the engine broke. Causing a holdup.

***

Crowley removed a tartan blanket--something he had seen on his last trip to the store. He threw it into the cart, figuring that while he found tartan to be completely tacky, Aziraphale loved tartan and would love this blanket--from the basket and whipped it out flat, letting it drift down onto the ground.

He took his seat, setting the basket down in the middle. Aziraphale sat down.

Crowley let out a contented sigh as he began to set up for their dinner. He pulled out two plates and set them down, one in front of him and the other in front of Aziraphale. He reached back in for plastic-wrapped sandwiches and set each of them on their designated plate. 

Aziraphale’s face lit up and he licked his lips. Crowley set down a bowl of fruit salad in between them. 

“This looks positively delicious, my dear.”

Crowley knew that the endearment didn’t mean anything, but it didn’t stop his heart from speeding. He knew that Aziraphale didn’t like him back, why would he? 

Aziraphale was this sophisticated bookshop owner. And Crowley was, well, just an astronomer. He listened to loud music and his biggest accomplishment was that he binged the entire series of the Office in just under four weeks. Aziraphale couldn’t like him. 

And that made these moments even more special; even more painful. He knew he was blessed to be able to spend time with Aziraphale like this and he was going to take full advantage of it. 

“Thank you, angel.”

Crowley smiled at him. It was tender. One that was filled with raw emotions. One that, if Aziraphale paid enough attention to it, Aziraphale would be able to decode. One that Aziraphale didn’t pay any attention to. 

***

The engine cost five hundred dollars. Luckily the driver of 76 hadn’t gotten hurt in the attack.

“So,” Beelzebub started on their way out to the car.

“So…”

“Datemate?” Beelzebub said, shooting Gabriel an incredibly judgemental look.

“Well, I figured you wouldn’t want ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ so I just kind of.” He shrugged. “Went with it.”

“Oh.”

“Do you not like it?”

“I don’t know,” They said, “I always thought  _ datemate _ was a little childish. What about  _ partner _ ?”

“That’s too  _ we’re terrified to tell people that we're queer because we could lose our job for it _ -ish.”

“Well,” Beelzebub said, cocking their head to the side, “It might become necessary depending on the supreme court.”

Gabriel let out a humored, discomforted breath through a clenched-tooth smile. He shook his head trying to think of something else. 

“What about  _ significant other _ ?” He asked.

“I’m significant to you?” Beelzebub asked, their voice mirthless, their heart-pounding out an unrelenting beat.

Gabriel paused, grabbing for Beelzebub’s hand. He pulled the back of their hand to his mouth and placed a quick peck on their knuckles, “Yes. Undeniably. You deserve it.”

***

Aziraphale and Crowley had both finished off their sandwiches as the sun began to set. The horizon wasn’t visible through the trees. But they sat in silence, watching as the sky turned into a beautiful watercolor masterpiece. 

Crowley was looking at the sky but his mind was on Aziraphale. Crowley could hear Aziraphale’s contentedness. He could feel Aziraphale’s smile. He marked each long inhale, every low exhale, getting lost in Aziraphale’s breath. Aziraphale’s happiness seemed to seep into the area around them.

And it felt like benediction that he was the reason for Aziraphale’s happiness. He could withstand six thousand years of pain just to see Aziraphale smile.

He had fallen so hard for him. It hurt.

Once the sun was down and the sky’s brilliant colors started to fade Aziraphale moved to stand up.

“Wait,” Crowley said. He placed a hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder. Aziraphale’s head snapped to look at the hand and Crowley removed it. Aziraphale opened his mouth to say something when Crowley began to speak, “Look in the bottom of the basket it.” 

Aziraphale sat back down and peered into the basket. There was a container laying there. He reached down and retrieved it. He opened it up and the smell of crepes wafted through the air around them. 

Aziraphale’s face lit up like the sun and he grinned wildly. Crowley smiled back at him even though Aziraphale didn’t see it.

Yeah. Crowley sighed. This, all of this, hurt. It was divine damnation.


	8. Chapter 8

_ <I fear you wouldn’t be safe if you slept in your apartment tonight, my dear.> _

_ <How so> _

_ <I know Heaven is pulling a prank tonight and I think it would be wise if you left your apartment for the night. _

_ You can share my quarters tonight, if that is to your liking.> _

_ <That would work> _

_ <Good. What time shall I expect you?> _

_ <I can come over now if you don’t mind> _

_ <Not at all. You are welcome at any time.> _

_ <Well then see you in a few> _

***

Crowley hadn’t figured that he would need anything so he just put on pajamas, made sure that his hair didn’t look too bad, and raced over to Aziraphale’s apartment. He opened the door.

“I’m here,” He called as he kicked off his shoes. 

“I’m on the couch,” Aziraphale called back. Crowley nodded to the response and made his way back. 

“Hello,” Aziraphale said warmly as soon as he came into view. He smiled at Crowley, who smiled in return, and then went back to his book. 

“Hey.” Crowley passed over to the couch and plopped down onto it, right next to Aziraphale. “I take it I’ll be sleeping here?”

“Nonsense, you can sleep on my bed and I shall take the couch.”

“Well, how big is the bed?”

“It’s king-sized, why?”

“Well,” Crowley shrugged, “If you don’t mind, I don’t have a problem with sharing the bed.”

“I don’t mind in the slightest.” Aziraphale smiled. He looked back down to his book, but continued to speak, “However, I must warn you. I happen to have a bad habit of sleep cuddling, so, if we do share a bed, we will probably end up cuddling before the night is over.” 

“I call little spoon,” Crowley joked. He was unable to help the way his cheeks grew a deep red and he was thankful Aziraphale was lost in his book.

***

Uriel, Sandalphon, and Michael surrounded Gabriel who was kneeling next to a huge tub sitting on the floor of his apartment. Gabriel pulled at the lid until it popped off, revealing colorful water balloons to the group.

Uriel smiled faintly, Sandalphon rubbed his hands together almost robotically, and Michael grinned wide, it was her revenge plan, after all. 

They all began to approach the tub when Gabriel’s hands flew up, “Wait.”

“Why?” Uriel asked, crossing her arms. 

“If we drag the tub to the hall it would be easier to reload,” Gabriel explained. The three backed away from the tub and Gabriel dragged the tub to the door. 

He stretched out his back by standing up and then threw the door open. He glanced outside it and then looked back down to the tub before his head jerked back up as it registered the scene outside his apartment.

He slammed the door shut and as soon as it was closed they all heard a thud, a pop, and then rushing water against the door. 

“They’re doing the exact same thing as us,” Gabriel whispered frantically through clenched teeth. He didn’t give the others time to react, however, instead he just picked up a water balloon, opened the door slightly, and chucked the balloon out, not aiming or caring to see if it landed. 

Uriel rolled her eyes and shook her head. She picked up a water balloon and moved to the door, pushing Gabriel out of the way. She surveyed the hallway through the peephole in the door.

“This is how you do it,” She sighed, throwing the door open and stepping out into the hallway. She did one quick sweep to see Hastur too busy picking Aziraphale’s lock to notice that she had stepped out of the apartment.

While she hated Aziraphale, she hated Hastur a tiny amount more, besides Aziraphale was on her side. “No you don’t.” Uriel hissed at him and threw the balloon so that it splattered satisfyingly against his chest. 

He looked over at her but before he could even raise up his balloon she was already shutting the door behind her.

“My turn,” Michael said. She walked up to the tub and grabbed two balloons and moved to the door. She looked outside the room to see that Hell’s tenants had started to populate the hallway again. Dead opposite of the door stood Beelzebub and Dagon.

Michael smiled and looked towards Gabriel, “Can you get the door?”

Gabriel nodded and jumped forward. He laid a hand on the doorknob and then looked up to Michael. She nodded slightly and he swung the door open wide. She jumped out and launched both of her balloons to her targets.

Beelzebub and Dagon hit the deck and the balloons missed them. Michael jumped into the apartment, but before the door could be closed Gabriel jumped out with two.

“Take this,” He yelled with a wild smile. He threw both of the balloons in his arsenal at Beelzebub. Both hit Beelzebub as they were getting back to their feet.

“Shit.”

Gabriel turned back to get to his room when Hastur’s balloon smashed open across his shoulders, “Damn-it.”

Sandalphon jumped out quickly once Gabriel was inside and tried to throw his balloon, but it rolled off his hand and fell to the floor, splattering water against his ankles. “Great,” He sighed and quickly ran into the room. 

Uriel jumped out of the room after him and aimed both of hers at Dagon. A smile tugged at her lips as both landed on target, she could tell that Dagon had probably done that on purpose, but it was impossible to pass up the chance to smile at it. Especially when Dagon had dramatically collapsed to the floor. 

“Man down,” Ligur yelled with a wide smile.

And with that Aziraphale’s door flew open. The battle stopped and all active soldiers looked towards the grumpy, white-haired man.

“Some of us are trying to sleep. I couldn’t care less whether you take your hellish, childish, prank outside or go to bed just stop making noise.” 

Leaving no time for a response, the door slammed shut as if to punctuate his lecture.

Everyone looked at everyone else before deciding that they should probably go to sleep before they wake the rest of Eden. 

Without a word, they all immediately dispersed and went off to their rooms. Save Gabriel who took it upon himself to take care of the rest of his sides balloons. 

He pulled the tub up and rested it on his hip, it was considerably less heavy now that his team had used at least half of them.

He took it from his apartment to the grassy lawn outside of Eden. He rested it on the ground. From the pile, he picked up two balloons and threw them against the grass and then he did it again.

The door opened up behind him but he was too tired to check who it was, all of his energy from the battle had been zapped away. It was past midnight after all, and they had worked the day before and had to be working that morning. 

Seconds passed and Beelzebub came to a stop right next to him. They were empty-handed.

“What are the odds,” Gabriel said through a yawn.

“I know.” Beelzebub nodded and then yawned themself. 

“Why are you out here?”

“Well,” Beelzebub said, turning just enough for the lamppost to be directly behind them, so that their face was in shade, “I was wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to sleepover?”

“Of course, yeah,” Gabriel said, “We could-”

“Yeah, we cou-”

“Make a pillow fort,” Gabriel said with brazen energy, “Wait what did you say?”

“Nothing. We can’t make a pillow fort because of Dagon.”

“She doesn’t know about us?”

“Do Uriel and them know about me?”

Gabriel sighed and looked out of the corner of his eyes, “No.”

“There you go.” Beelzebub shrugged. Gabriel finished off the rest of the balloons and hoisted the tub back up, “But we can cuddle. I’m little spoon.”

They made their way back to Eden, “I’d argue,” Gabriel said as he opened up the door for them, “But you’re too small to be the big spoon.”

Beelzebub sighed and stomped on his foot as they passed. Gabriel winched and lifted his foot to his knee. He opened his mouth to say something back.

“Shush,” Beelzebub said before him, putting a finger to their mouth, which was curled in a smile. 

***

Aziraphale woke up with Crowley wrapped up in his arms. While he knew this was probably how it was going to end the act still felt heavy live. His arm laid under Crowley’s neck and his other rested across his waist. They were chest to chest, close enough for Aziraphale to feel Crowley’s breath on his shoulder where he was nestled. 

Aziraphale bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes. This was painful. His head turned back and he stared up at the ceiling. These feelings were going to kill him slowly. Crowley couldn’t like him back and yet here he was curled up against him. 

He looked back at him and felt as if he was falling in love all over again.

With that, he carefully unwrapped from Crowley and slid off the bed. He pulled the blankets up around him and made sure he was still comfortable and still sleeping before he turned attention to his wardrobe. 

He pulled out his usual outfit, glanced at the clock, 7:14, and then got changed in the restroom. 

After he changed he walked out, through his kitchen and into his living room. He took his seat on the couch, picked up his book, and continued to read it. 

Before even finishing the first paragraph, however, his phone chimed. He let out a sigh and took it from his pocket. 

_ <Happy National Best Friends Day!> _

_ <What’s this?> _

_ <I feel that the name is pretty self-explanatory> _

_ <Yes, but what is it?> _

_ <Just some silly unofficial holiday> _

_ <Oh. _

_ And I am your best friend?> _

_ <Uh… _

_ Not really, Newt is. But you’re my second best friend> _

_ <Good. It would have been a bad omen to say that I am your best friend over your boyfriend.> _

_ <lol true but you’re still one of my closest friends> _

_ <As you are one of mine.> _

_ < :) Also, you and Crowley are invited to my Halloween party. It’s pretty small and just for the upstairs tenants actually, but you guys are invited> _

_ <I’ll let him know. Thank you.> _

***

Gabriel didn’t know how it happened but when he woke up he was most definitely the little spoon. Beelzebub had their arms around his torso, their head resting against his back, their legs tangled together. 

"You up?” He asked softly.

“Yeah,” They replied.

“How did we get like this?”

“I… don’t know,” Beelzebub said, untangling their legs from the pile and stretching them. 

“Didn’t we go to sleep-”

“With me in your arms, yeah.” 

“Hmm,” He hummed, shifting, rolling around, until they were face to face, “Guess you aren’t too small to be big spoon then.”

“I’m not too small for anything.”

“Hmm. I’ll remember that.”

***

Some delicious smell wafted its way into the bedroom and swirled in the air creating an ethereal atmosphere to wake up to. Crowley licked his lips and stretched in place. 

He wanted to bask in the warmth of heavy comforter but he longed to taste whatever was being cooked up in the next room. 

He sat up and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. It was already  _ 10:37 _ . He rubbed his eyes and pushed himself off the bed. 

One final stretch and then he sauntered off towards the smell of breakfast. 

Aziraphale smiled at him as he crossed into the kitchen, he tilted the pan towards him, “I’m making crepes.”

Crowley smiled back and made his way to the kitchen table, taking a seat, “They smell delicious.”

“Thank you,” Aziraphale said. He continued to cook until something flashed across his face like a reminder, “How would you feel about going to the park tonight?”

“Sounds lovely,” Crowley said through another yawn, “I have to run a few errands today but after that. definitely” 

“Okay.”

***

Gabriel chose the next date idea. Laser Tag. They were waiting just outside the arena, standing next to a heavy vinyl stip curtain. They had their vests on and guns in hand. Just a handful of moments until it was their turn to go into the arena. 

“Here’s the plan,” Beelzebub whispered to Gabriel, they had a hand on his shoulder so they could box out the rest of the people going, “We find a corner and cover the entrances and exits. Once it’s secure we’ll go out one at a time and get people. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

A loud sound rang out through the arena telling them that they were clear to go in. Beelzebub and Gabriel pushed past the heavy flaps and into the darkened room. 

They had one minute before their guns would activate and the game would begin. They covered as much ground as fast as they could, legs pumping to run.

Gabriel took the lead but came to a screeching halt, digging his heels into the ground, as a little kid ran out ahead of him. Like the rest of the kids they could, at most, have only been ten.

“Are you sure we should be here?” Gabriel asked, taking back off after Beelzebub.

“What do you mean?”

Gabriel looked out at the kids, “They’re at most ten and we’re what? In our forties?”

“Yeah,” Beelzebub nodded, “We’re in our forties. They should have the upper hand. Besides the operators let us in. We should be fine.”

Gabriel thought about it for a second, “Yeah. You’re right. That makes sense.”

***

Aziraphale walked up to where they had met up last week. And just like he expected Crowley was there. Sitting on the tartan blanket from last time with the basket.

“Hello,” Aziraphale said as soon as Crowley was close enough that he didn’t have to yell for Crowley to hear him. 

“Hey.” Crowley smiled at him and patted the blanket next to him. Aziraphale crossed the grassy slope and finally took his seat next to Crowley.

“We’re making quite the tradition.” Aziraphale smiled at him as his eyebrows jumped up.

“Yeah.” Crowley nodded. He smiled slightly as he looked out to the horizon towards the setting sun.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Aziraphale began to rustle. 

He reached into his pocket to pull out a CD and Crowley looked over to him, “I know it’s a bit cheesy,” Aziraphale smiled sheepishly, “But today is National Best Friends Day and well, I made you something because… Anyway, it’s a CD of all the music that makes me think of you.” He handed over the CD to Crowley who took it eagerly, “And I don’t know how you feel about ja-”

“I love it,” Crowley said to him with the brightest smile. He knew that if he didn’t cut Aziraphale off now he would never have stopped his nervous rambling and Crowley didn’t want him to be nervous, “I’ll listen to it when I get home.”

He put the CD down in front of him and opened up the lid to the basket, “So, I also was aware that it was Best Friends Day and I may or may not have gotten you tickets to Crepe Festival.”

Aziraphale teared up, “Really?”

“Of course.” 

***

Gabriel had lost all of his inhibitions once they started. He vaulted over a half wall, right behind a group of kids huddled in an attempt to hide from him.

“Yeehaw!” Gabriel yelled as he began to shoot each of their vests. 

The kids started complaining loudly. One cried and another threw their vest to the ground.

“I quit.” Gabriel heard as he sped back to Beelzebub. And with that, all twenty kids had left the game before they were even ten minutes in. 

Gabriel approached the base, slowing down to a walk and removing the smile from his face.

“They’ve all left,” He said as he saw Beelzebub.

Beelzebub nodded before smiling, “Suckers.” They held up their hand for a high-five. Gabriel gave them the high five.

The pair marched out of the arena, hands extended outwards in a dramatic show of their military genius. 

“We are the champions,” Beelzebub said as they passed through the vinyl curtain. The pair began to take off their vests as an angry woman approached them.

“They’re literally eight,” She said, as they handed over their vests, “You’ve ruined my daughter's birthday.”

Beelzebub looked to Gabriel and he nodded. They both ran out of the room and quickly out of the building. 

They hightailed it back to their car. Only stopping to get into it. They both threw the doors open, got in and buckled up.

“Do you think we should have gone easier on them?” Beelzebub asked. Gabriel gave them a disapproving look and Beelzebub started laughing, “I’m joking.” They said with a smile.

Gabriel let out a long laugh and began to drive.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

“Salutations,” Sandalphon chimed cheerily as Aziraphale finally left his apartment. He had been waiting for him for ten minutes now.

“Yes?” Aziraphale replied, giving a side-eye from the door he was locking.

“Come with me,” Sandalphon smiled, but the smile was layered, it became clear after a single glance that it wasn’t truly friendly, “A few people from our side of Eden have something we’d like to discuss with you.” He waved his hand towards the door and held it open for Aziraphale.

Aziraphale looked back to his door before cautiously clearing the distance between them. He narrowed his eyes and gave one last look to Sandalphon before entering the apartment. Sandalphon followed after and he heard the door close behind him.

Gabriel, Uriel, and Michael crowded around the door in a semicircle. Aziraphale stayed where he was at but Sandalphon joined the crescent.

“Aziraphale,” Gabriel said. His voice was genuinely friendly but it was outweighed by the others’ glare. “It has come to my attention that you and the demon known as Crowley are…  _ close _ .”

Aziraphale crossed his arms, “Did you not request me to spy on him?”

“Spending the night is more than spying, Aziraphale. We want you to ‘lax’ your relations with him, he is the enemy after all.”

Aziraphale’s brows drew together in irritation, “He doesn’t agree with their methods or take part in them.”

“You don’t think he’s capable of lying?”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Aziraphale said, “You all are.”

Uriel took a step forward causing Aziraphale to take a step back and Gabriel to put a hand on Uriel’s shoulder. 

“If you don’t want to be an enemy yourself I suggest you calm down,” Uriel said with a squint.

“I’m leaving,” Aziraphale sighed, he turned around and made for the door.

“Just remember what side you’re on.”

***

Beelzebub slid into Gabriel’s car pulling the door shut behind them, “Where are we going?” Beelzebub said, buckling up their seatbelt.

“There’s this dance studio near where I work and they were passing out flyers about a week back for a waltz class.” Gabriel shifted the car into reverse and carefully backed out of his parking space. Once out he looked over to them, “Is that okay?”

“I’ve been known to enjoy a dance,” Beelzebub said averting their gaze as to maintain their cold persona, “Occasionally.” They moved their hand to the console and intertwined their fingers with Gabriel’s.

“Good,” Gabriel smiled, he gave Beelzebub’s hand a slight squeeze, “I love to dance.”

“I know,” Beelzebub sighed, letting a small but contented smile spread across their lips, “I remember your  _ wretched _ moves from pride.”

“Wretched?” Gabriel said indignantly, “They were fantastic.”

“For someone from Heaven, you sure do lie a lot.”

“Hey.”

***

_ <Do you wanna get a drink?> _

_ <Yes. We can go to Haynes _

_ They’re holding another karaoke night to make up for, well the fire alarm, and I believe you still owe me a song> _

_ <I don’t think you want me to do that> _ _   
  
_

_ <Don’t presume to tell me what I do and do not want. _

_ But. _

_ If you don’t want to sing you don’t have to. I won’t force you.> _

_ <Thank you. I am an Awful singer. Everyone would have left after a second of my singing> _

_ <Then why did you offer to sing?> _

_ <You were cute and I wanted to impress you> _

_ <You pulled a fire alarm> _

_ <Did it impress you?> _

_ <Maybe. _

_ Isn’t it a felony, though?> _

_ <I don’t think so but either way it was an old school fire alarm and so there was no ink stain and I didn’t get caught> _

_ <Lucky you. _

_ Are we going to Haynes tonight then?> _

_ <Yes, meet there at 6?> _

_ <See you then.> _

***

Aziraphale and Crowley were lounging in Aziraphale’s living room on the large comfortable sofa. Aziraphale was reading a book of his and Crowley was enjoying the warmth of the fire. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale said, setting the book down on his lap as the events of the morning popped into mind, “You will not believe what happened this morning.”

“Yeah?” 

“The other tenants on my side Eden practically cornered me. They said that if I didn’t cut ties with you that, well, that I would be considered an enemy,” Aziraphale huffed, he had crossed his arms. 

Without a word Crowley jumped up from his resting place, anger written all over his face, “Names?”

“Sit down, dear boy,” Aziraphale said, placing a hand on Crowley’s arm, “There’s no point in violence.”

“What violence? They were just clumsy enough to trip over a foot into a table, that isn’t my fault-”

“Crowley…”

“Fine,” Crowley sighed, taking his seat back, “But I’m not happy.”

“I don’t know if it was a pretense for this silly little ‘war’ that they are so bent upon or a true threat but either way it was certainly not appreciated. Gabriel insisted that they are adults and they know how to control themselves and clearly they do not have a good judge of their abilities, look at how it has escalated.”

“I’m getting deja vu,” Crowley sighed.

“Hmm?”

Crowley was laying down completely but he cocked his neck so that his head was sticking up, “Beelzebub said the same things and boy were they wrong. I don’t think they would ever corner me but then again your side is very… devious, they love subterfuge, if you know what I mean. On my side, we're a family, a bit dysfunctional, but a family nonetheless. But you’re right, it has been blown out of proportion.”

“Indeed.”

Crowley’s head fell back to the couch and Aziraphale lifted his book from his lap and continued reading. 

Some time in silence passed when Crowley remembered something, “When do you want to start cooking tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, isn’t it?”

“Yep.”

“Around midday, then.”

“Cool, I’ll go to the store sometime in the morning then.”

“Thank you, dear.” Aziraphale smiled.

“Course.” Crowley felt warmth spread across his chest. 

***

“To begin, the man,” Beelzebub rolled their eyes as the dance instructor started his infuriatingly gendered spiel, “Should place his hand on the girl’s shoulder going under her arm.” The dance instructor demonstrated with one of the other teachers there, “And she will put her hand on his shoulder going over the top of his arm.”

“Because only men can lead,” Beelzebub sighed, “Gender roles come from the Devil himself.”

“If what they’re saying is causing you dysphoria we can leave,” Gabriel said.

“No, it’s okay, I’m used to it by now.”

“You shouldn’t have to be.”

“It is what it is. Are you leading or am I?” Beelzebub asked.

“Come on,” Gabriel whispered with a smile saying that he wanted to brighten up their mood, “You’re too small to lead.”

“I’m small enough to head-butt your dick.”

Gabriel stifled a laugh, “You can lead if you want.”

“You can, it’s fine.” 

“Okay.” Gabriel placed his hand on their shoulder going under their arm and Beelzebub stretched as far as they could and placed their hand on top of his shoulder. They clasped their other hands together, mimicking the instructors’ pose. 

“Now,” The dance instructor said, grabbing the attention of the people, “Men, you will step off with your left foot and women you will step back with your right foot. Then men will step to the right and women to the left. Next women will step forward with their left foot and men back with your right foot. Men will step left and women will step right. By doing this you will be doing a box-like movement. Begin and we will be around to make sure you are all doing it correctly.”

Gabriel stepped forward and Beelzebub stepped back, then they moved to the side and continued to follow the box. “I like this.”

“The dancing?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m shocked,” Gabriel said mockingly, “The great Beelzebub really does enjoy dancing.”

“Yes, I am a bit… cold-hearted-”

“-Evil,” Gabriel corrected with a ‘don’t-fool-yourself’ kind of look.

“How evil?” A flirtatious smile crossed their face.

“Oh,” Gabriel said, throwing his head back dramatically, “Chaotically evil.  _ Murderously _ evil.”

“Really?” Beelzebub treated his words as if they were the highest of compliments.

“Yes.” 

“And what about you? Are you evil?”

“I’m your savior, of course.”

“Bold of you to assume you’re not evil,” Beelzebub smiled.

Gabriel let out a humored breath, “No, I know I’m evil. It’s just I can show you how to be evil in a more sinister, efficient, and fun way.”

“You don’t think I have fun?” Beelzebub cocked an eyebrow.

“Do you?”

“You know that strange dirt patch next to the tree by Eden?”

“Yes, what about it?”

“Dig five feet down and then you can tell me how much fun I am.” They winked. 

Gabriel stopped dancing and dropped his hands from Beelzebub. He looked at them with narrowed eyes and stepped closer as to not be overheard by the other dancers. “Did you… kill someone?”

Beelzebub shook their head, “No, when we were painting Hell someone accidentally dropped paint onto the ground and it killed the grass. I was just joking.” 

“Oh,” Gabriel smiled. He put his left hand back in Beelzebub’s and his other hand on their shoulder and they stepped back into the box step. 

“So, you were saying you have a different way of being evil… I’m intrigued, let me hear it.”

Gabriel smiled wickedly, “Do you know what an open-mic night is?”

***

“Happy New Year’s Eve,” Aziraphale said with a bright smile as Anathema and Newt entered into his apartment. They took off their shoes and placed them next to the door.

“Happy New Year’s Eve,” Anathema and Newt replied nearly simultaneously. They turned to each other and smiled.

Aziraphale turned towards the back of his apartment and started off with the couple following after them.

“Did you guys enjoy the books you received?” Aziraphale asked as the passed through the library.

“The only thing I’ve had time to read was  _ The Strange and Mysterious: 2019 In Review _ other than, I’m excited for  _ The History of Occultists _ .”

“I thought you might enjoy that,” Aziraphale smiled. “What about you, Newt?” 

“I’m hoping the  _ How to: Computer _ will yield better results than last time.” 

“Just promise to mess with it when I’m out of the apartment,” Anathema smiled.

“Of course, dear.”

They made it to the dining room to find Crowley already sitting at the table, “Happy New Years’ Eve.” He smiled.

“Happy New Years’ Eve,” Anathema said.

“Happy New Year’s Eve,” Newt replied.

The couple took their seats while Aziraphale began to carve the ham. “Any big plans for the new year?” He asked. 

“Actually,” Anathema said looking over to Newt with a huge smile that he shared. She held out her left hand to reveal a marvelous engagement ring, “Newt proposed last night. We’re getting married.”

Aziraphale let out a gasp. He left the knife in the ham to cover his mouth with his hand, “Awe.” 

“Congratulations,” Crowley said. He leaned closer to Anathema to examine the ring, “That’s truly stunning.”

“Thank you,” Anathema said, “We don’t have any of the details planned, aside from the month. We both want it to be in June.” 

“Awe,” Aziraphale said louder and longer this time. He was glowing and looked more excited than Anathema and Newt combined.

“How’d you propose?” Crowley asked, ignoring Aziraphale’s childish, but cute, excited stun. 

“Well, I took her up to the rooftop of my friends high rise. I know Anathema loves to go stargazing so I placed something over the telescope’s lens so that when she looked through she saw  _ Will you marry me? _ ”

“Awe,” Aziraphale said, he drew out the word even longer than before. His hand had moved from his mouth to over his heart.

“And,” Crowley asked, “It is the twenty-first century and,” He looked to Newt,” No offense, but your last name is-”

“None taken, you’re right.” Newt nodded.

“So, who’s going to take whos name?” Crowley asked. Aziraphale didn’t say anything but slapped Crowley’s arm.

“Hey?” Crowley rubbed his arm, shooting a glance at Aziraphale.

“We decided a while ago that we’d do something completely unorthodox,” Anathema said, with a smile, “Instead of him taking my last name or me taking his last name we decided that we should make our own last name, a mix between the two, of course.”

“Awe.”

“And our new last name will be Depul,  _ De _ from Device and  _ pul  _ from Pulsifer.” 

“Awe.” That was the longest, loudest, and strongest ‘awe’ Aziraphale could muster. And the only word he could muster. 

***

Dagon walked into Haynes and immediately spotted Uriel at the bar. It wasn’t nearly as crowded as it was last time. She walked through the sea of people, coming up next to Uriel.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Uriel responded. They had to nearly yell to be heard over the music. Someone was singing karaoke to  _ Madness _ by Muse. 

“You want to dance?” Dagon gestured to the dance floor to her left.

“Are you a better dancer than you are a singer?” Uriel asked with a skeptical look. 

“Probably not.”

Uriel rolled her eyes, “Yeah,” She eventually said with a shrug, “Why not?” Dagon smiled brightly and grabbed Uriel’s hand, and dragged her out to the dance floor.

***

“Three,” Aziraphale, Crowley, Newt, and Anathema yelled, counting down to midnight, “Two, one.” As soon as they yelled out  _ one _ Anathema pulled Newt close and kissed him. 

Crowley shrugged and grabbed Aziraphale by the lapels of his coat, yanking him forward into a quick, mildly sloppy kiss.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

Adam’s grin split wide, drill and wood in hand. He was descending the stairs of Eden, followed by Pepper, Wensly, and Brian. 

“What are we doin’?” Pepper asked.

“We’re drilling their doors shut.”

“Who’s?” Brian asked.

“Mr. Crowley’s side.” 

“Why?” Wensly asked.

“Their prank war stopped,” Adam said, “I’m kinda bored.” He shrugged as he came down to the last step.

“What happens if they realize that we are the culprits?” Wensly asked.

“That can’t happen.” Adam set the wood down next to Crowley’s door, “They’re too focused on the other side to think of us.”

“Where’d you get the wood?” Brian asked, picking up and inspecting a rather thick piece.

“My dad works at a construction company. I’ll steal wood from his truck when I can. Wasn’t sure what to use it for, ‘till now.”

“How do we know it won’t wake them up?” Pepper pointed at the drill.

“It’s some sorta drill that don’t make any sound.”

“How’s it work?” Pepper eyed it curiously.

“I don’ know… Magic?” He shrugged, “Ready?” He pulled the first piece of wood and placed it against Crowley’s door.

***

Aziraphale woke up and glanced at his surroundings. For a second he forgot where he was and how he had gotten there. But the memories, rather images, flooded back into his head. New Year’s Party. Crowley was too drunk to move properly. Aziraphale walked him home. 

He ended up staying there, as he would’ve loathed to leave Crowley alone in his state. Eventually collapsing to sleep on Crowley’s bed. 

He rubbed his eyes and quietly pushed himself off the bed and got to work. First, he hung a thick blanket over the bedroom’s window so that it acted like a blackout curtain. Crowley was most likely deeply sensitive to light in his current hungover state.

He crossed the floor and began to change Janthony’s water. He struggled with two things, first, removing the lid quietly. Second, Janthony tried to escape and Aziraphale wasn’t well versed, or versed at all, in ball python handling. So, unskillfully, albeit, carefully, he maneuvered Janthony back down to the ground of his terrarium. 

He left the bedroom, deciding to take stock of the items that filled Crowley’s pantry and refrigerator. He thought that once he started to hear him stirring he would get to work on a nice breakfast for him, seeing as he would be starving after vomiting three times in the night. 

In the pantry he found; salt, pepper, a loaf of bread--stale--, peanut butter, and three shelves dedicated to Ramen Noodles. He was even more dismayed at the sight of the fridge. Milk, ketchup, soda, and a carton of eggs, containing an egg and an empty shell. The freezer had corndogs, eggo waffles, and a container of dead mice. 

Crowley either hadn’t been to the store recently and needed to stock up or his eating habits were shocking. Aziraphale let out a tiny sigh and shut the freezer, “No matter,” He said. 

He crossed the living room, dodging a half-hazardously askew chair. It wasn’t there the night before, Crowley must’ve shoved it out of his way to the restroom last night. He went to open the door but it didn’t budge, given no time to stop he ended running face first into the door.

He chuckled sheepishly and unlocked the door, realizing his mistake. He twisted the doorknob again and tried to open it, running into the door once more.

“What in the hell?” He asked, pushing the door experimentally but to no avail. He tried each lock twice more but it didn’t change the outcome.

He looked out the peephole but that too was useless, he couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

***

Uriel woke up with a yawn and looked around. She was at Dagon’s apartment. Sleeping on the couch.

She stretched her arms out above her head, the faint smell of breakfast wafting into the room. She peered over her right shoulder to see Dagon bustling around the kitchen, humming some song. 

Uriel let a small smile creep across her face, she let it go. Usually signs of emotions such as that one were killed at the source but Dagon earned it. She thought to say something, going so far as to open her mouth but then decided against it. She’d rather enjoy the domesticity of Dagon quietly making her a meal.

***

Gabriel and Beelzebub were spooning in Gabriel’s luxurious bed, clad in satin sheets and a thick duvet. They were dozing through the simplicity of the morning. 

“Wait,” Beelzebub said, their voice slightly muffled, “What about Sandalfuck, or whatever his name was?” Beelzebub asked, “What if he sees us?”

“Shut up, you know his name is Sandalphon,” Gabriel chastised, shaking his head, “And Michael and him are out on a business trip.”

“What a coincidence.” Beelzebub’s eyebrows wiggled.

“They work at the same place.”

“Oh.” They waited another second or so before checking the digital clock on Gabriel’s bedside table. They tapped Gabriel’s shoulder, “My turn.”

“I don’t wanna,” Gabriel huffed out. 

“If we don’t take turns we don’t do it at all.”

“It’s only been like five minutes.”

“It’s been a whole hour.”

Gabriel checked his watch, sighed, and rolled his eyes, “Fine.” Beelzebub pulled away from Gabriel and flipped onto their otherside as Gabriel followed suit. Gabriel wrapped his arms around Beelzebub’s torso, letting Beelzebub switch from big to little spoon.

“I’m cold now.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“There’s a blanket for a reason. Now shush, I’m dozing off.”

***

Aziraphale didn’t want to wake Crowley up but he didn’t really have a choice. He crossed back into his room, rubbing the sore spot on his nose, to find Crowley leaning over a trash can in his room.

Aziraphale walked up to him and placed a gentle hand on his back while using his other hand to help brush Crowley’s hair back. He vomited once more and leaned back from the trash.

“Good morning,” Aziraphale offered softly.

“Rough morning,” Crowley winced.

“I hope you start feeling better.”

“Me too.”

Aziraphale opened his mouth to say something but decided against it, he figured that bad news could wait until Crowley was feeling better, or at least a tiny bit better. Crowley moved to stand and Aziraphale jumped to his feet to help him up.

“Angel,” Crowley started once he got his bearing.

“Yes?”

“Why did you come into my apartment?” His tone wasn’t concerned but just curious. He trusted Aziraphale.

“You were so incredibly intoxicated last night that I feared it would have been for the worse to leave you alone in that state, my dear.” Crowley was too hungover to even attempt to hide the blush that rose on his face at those words.

“Oh,” Crowley said, flashing Aziraphale a lopsided smile, “Thanks.”

“Of course,” Azirpahle said, returning the smile. He let out a sigh and then opened his mouth, “I don’t want to add to your displeasing morning, however we can not leave the apartment.”

“What?” Crowley asked through a squint. 

“I don’t know why but the door will not open.”

“Is it locked?” 

“No, I tried every lock twice,” Aziraphale crossed his arms, “I believe that it’s another prank. If so, it means Heaven has stopped trusting me so I will no longer know about the pranks ahead of time.”

“Okay,” Crowley nodded, running a hand through his hair, grimacing at just how greasy it was, “Can it wait ‘till after a shower, though? I feel really gross from last night.”

“Yes, of course.”

***

Uriel sat across from Dagon, plates stacked high with french toast. 

“Last night was fun,” Uriel said, a constrained emotion.

Dagon beamed, “Yeah?” She scooped up another bite of french toast, “Fantastic.”

“I,” Uriel started, hesitantly, “Uh-” Dagon looked up at her with an encouraging and supportive gaze, “I’d like to do it again. I guess.” Her words were rushed, the ‘I guess’ a scapegoat in case it was needed.

Dagon smiled up at her, slowly, “I’d like that.”

***

Aziraphale sat in Crowley’s living room, relaxing into the couch. He tried to stay calm but that was increasingly difficult considering the small but unrelenting voice in the back of his head that gladly continued to remind him that Crowley was in the other room. In a hot shower. Completely undressed.

Aziraphale whispered, “Fuck.” He usually avoided expletives but he determined that dwelling on the fact that Crowley was just ten feet away and nude warranted such a word.

Luckily for him, however, those thoughts were paused when a loud thump followed by a groan rang out from the bathroom. 

Aziraphale jumped up instinctually and ran to the bathroom. He hesitated on opening the door, Crowley  _ was _ indecent, should he invade his privacy? But his moral dilemma was thrown out the window when Crowley groaned again.

He opened the door and saw the water pouring over a fallen but--thankfully--curtain-covered Crowley. Aziraphale quickly rushed to shut off the water.

“Thanks,” Crowley said through a clenched jaw.

“How can I help?”

“Help me up?” Crowley asked lightly, holding his hand up. Aziraphale took it and grasped as tightly as he felt comfortable doing to avoid any slipping and slowly began to hoist Crowley up.

Once up, Crowley covered himself up and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. 

“Better?” Aziraphale asked softly, still grasping onto Crowley’s hand. He forgot to let go, or more accurately, he didn’t want to lose the burning heat he felt where their flesh connected.

“Yeah,” Crowley sighed, “Can I get a towel?” 

“Yes.”

***

Anathema took in the last of the rising sun, smiling at Newt. She hooked an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. They were just returning from their post-breakfast stroll in the park.

Anathema opened the door to Eden and they crossed into the building.

Upon seeing the state of Hell’s doors Anathema screwed her eyes shut in frustration and sighed, “These goddamn ridiculous dumbasses.” 

***

Crowley had cleaned up and gotten dressed and was now standing at the door trying to ascertain what was wrong with it.

“You’re right,” Crowley sighed after some time, “It isn’t locked.”

“I know.”

“Hm,” Crowley sighed, leaning up against the wall. 

“What should we do?” Aziraphale asked, taking a step closer to him just in case he should fall.

“I think there is only one thing left to do.”

***

Newt had run up to get a drill from the Young family, in the meantime she sauntered up to Dagon’s door, hands clasped behind her back, to inspect the workmanship, or lack thereof. A blaring sound poured from between the door and the wall. It was… just on the tip of Anathema’s tongue. 

But before she could put her finger on it a door down the hall began to violently shake. Something was pounding on it. Anathema looked over, it was Crowley’s apartment.

“Can anyone hear me?” Crowley’s voice yelled.

The knocking stopped and Anathema rolled her eyes, strolling down to the end of the hallway.

“My dear boy,” Aziraphale said, entirely exasperated, “That is your contingency plan?” 

“Have a better idea?” Crowley snapped before pounding on the door again.

“You can stop,” Anathema said, placing a hand on the door, “I’m here. It’s Anathema.”

“Thank the heavens,” Aziraphale sighed.

Anathema smiled at that but it dissipated as she thought of something, “Why didn’t you call me?” She asked, “Aziraphale, you have my phone number.” She didn’t have to be looking at him to know that he was red in the face.

“I… may have forgotten that fact.”

“I see.” 

***

Newt returned a little while after that and he and Anathema got to work unscrewing each board.

Due to some strange happenstance Crowley and Aziraphale were the only ones aware of what had happened. Gabriel and Beelzeub slept through the drilling until noon. Hastur and Ligur were in their shared bedroom playing a Fallout 4, large headphones cancelling out the drill. Uriel and Dagon were busy with Just Dance and couldn’t hear the drill during their fierce competition. I guess you could say miracles do happen.

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear to god i havent forgotten abt this
> 
> also, the author doesnt condone Beelzebub's view of slam-poets

Hastur glanced over his Uno card at the others at the table. “I don’ like it.”

Ligur nodded, “I know, it’s been quiet for too long.” He placed down a card.

“Not for long.” Beelzebub smirked. 

Dagon eyed Hastur before gently laying her card down on the table, “Yeah?” She turned to Beelzebub. Hastur’s face split wide with a grin and he laid down his last card. “Shit.”

“It’s nice,” Hastur sighed, leaning back, arms crossed behind his head, “Play without Crowley, that bastard.”

Dagon rolled her eyes, “You’re just upset that you can’t beat him.”

“Am not.”

Beelzebub gathered the cards in one hand, cleaning them up with a swift tap to the table, drawing the eyes of the other players to their already waiting glance, “We’re going to be pulling a prank on them before they can pull one on us.” The smirk on their face curled with an animalistic style, “I’ve got a perfect idea.”

***

Aziraphale enjoyed the silence of his living room, fully enthralled by Odysseus’ dilemma with Circe. Having just reached the moment where his men were turned into pigs the loud knocking at the door brought him out of ancient Greece. 

He hummed, looking through the book stacks towards the door. He set his book down on the coffee table, let out a sigh, and found himself crossing his apartment to the door.

He peered out the peephole but no one was there. His curiosity piqued, he swung the door open to find the sweet aroma of crepes wafting from a box sat on the floor. It’s tag read  _ From: Crowley _ .

He kneeled down and picked it up. Closer it smelled even better and he smiled. He stood up and opened the box with a sigh.

He tore off the corner piece and enjoyed the way the filling dribbled out of it, vanilla, by the looks of it. The door to Eden flew open as he popped it into his mouth.

“Wait,” Crowley called out, he was running full speed for Aziraphale but he was too late. Aziraphale had already started chewing before disgust ravaged his face. He spat out his bite into the box and looked over to Crowley who had finally made it over to him.

“Mayonnaise?” Aziraphale cringed, “Crowley, a mayonnaise crepe?”

“That wasn’t me.” He took the box from Crowley, scowling at the note on the top, “I just found out, Hastur couldn’t stop laughing and I hoped I’d catch you in time, but-”

“You were too late.”

“Yeah, but I think you got the better end of this, I mean, Gabriel just received a donut with mustard in it and Uriel got toothpaste Oreo’s.” 

***

Gabriel held Beelzebub’s hand as he led them through the crowd. Beelzebub would never admit it but they still felt electricity when Gabriel touched them. They craved that jolt. They craved him. They loved him. Not that Beelzebub would want to admit it.

Gabriel finally stopped at a table near the front of the cafe.

Beelzebub eyed down those around them, “Why have you taken me to this hippie commune?” They sounded irritated but they lacked true conviction, trusting that whatever Gabriel had in store for them would be perfect. 

Well, not perfect, but fun. 

“You’ll see.”

***

By the time they had made their way into the theatre and were standing next to their seats Crowley couldn’t contain his excitement anymore. He screamed along with the crowd, a small attempt to ease the unrelenting excitement, to calm the party of nerves in his stomach. 

Aziraphale smiled at him, unafraid to let that smile reflect his longing. He knew that Crowley wouldn’t notice, not in the excitement of the moment. 

Aziraphale didn’t care about anything else in the room. The noise, the heat, the lights, none of it bothered him. None of it was there. He only saw, he only felt, he only heard Crowley.

The lights dimmed and time slowed down. Crowley couldn’t feel anything as a spotlight fell across Brian May, Roger Taylor, and Adam Lambert as they sauntered onto stage. Crowley felt chills run down his spine. He shook with excitement, his lips pulled tight in a wide grin across his face until it hurt. 

He shot out his hand and found Aziraphale’s, a lifeline, a way to confirm that this wasn’t a dream. His favorite band, his favorite person, all here together at once.

Aziraphale had given a single whoop but the oxygen was struck from his lungs once he felt Crowley’s hand in his. That warmth, that contact, that electricity. He didn’t have to see it to know that it was Crowley. His Crowley. 

He winced at his words, not  _ his _ Crowley. 

He was hand in hand with him out of happiness. Excitement. Aziraphale dreaded to presume but he prayed to God out of love as well.

***

Someone walked to the front of the cafe. They were your stock photo poet, long slicked back hair, pen and notebook in hand. Glasses that covered eyes that tried to cultivate the image of a tortured soul. Beelzebub hated these facsimiles. They sighed, an infinitesimal sound, unnoticeable through the crowd.

Gabriel noticed. He leaned across and whispered into their ear, “Just wait, you’re gonna love this.” 

The man began to recite something from his notebook and Beelzebub sighed once more. They realized within seconds that they hated this man’s personal take on the anomalous slam-poet voice. 

Beelzebub didn’t realize they had dazed out until Gabriel’s voice brought them back to the real world.

“You call that poetry?” His words were barely audible amongst the cheers and applause but the poet could hear and his frown brought a smile to Beelzebub’s face. It was then that the genius of Gabriel’s idea clicked in their mind.

They cheered out a “Boo” before flashing them a thumbs down.

***

The crowd thrummed under the music. Beats bumped out into the chambers of each chest. It made Aziraphale feel alive. It tasted so good mixed in with the heat from Crowley’s palm. He still hadn’t torn his hand away and it had been over an hour. Hand in hand for an hour. The worst part of it was they had never had contact like this in such a purposeful, intimate way, and it felt like nothing. 

The heat in their hands probably didn’t register in Crowley, he was too entranced in the concert and Aziraphale couldn’t captivate him, couldn’t earn his attention anymore.

Aziraphale felt his gut twist before shrapnel lodged there. Cuts making way for weeds to bloom. He wanted Queen gone. He wanted to be Queen. He wanted to be the source of Crowley’s pure joy, his entrancement.

***

Gabriel and Beelzebub had enjoyed five blissful moments of heckling poets. They savored the hurt and anger on the poets’ faces until the crowd became confrontational. At that point the employees had no option but to walk Gabriel and Beelzebub outside of their cafe, leaving them on the street with a resounding, ‘Don’t come back’.

“Did you like it?” Gabriel asked as they made their way down the street.

There was a small smile, barely noticeable--Gabriel, of course, noticed it--planted on Beelzebub’s face. “Yeah. Of course. You know me well.”

“Can’t give me too much credit,” Gabriel sighed. He slowed to a stop and pulled Beelzebub close to his body in a sweet embrace. “There’s not a lot,” He made a gesture around their height, “To know.”

“Gabriel,” Beelzebub warned, “I will kill you and then break-up with you.”

“In that order?”

“Shut up.”

“Really, though,” Grabriel asked, his eyebrows raised, “You liked it?”

“Yes,” Beelzebub sighed but their smile was still there.

“Good.” Gabriel leaned down and pressed a kiss against Beelzebub’s lips. He pulled back a fraction before smiling at them. “You’re so handsome.”

Beelzebub had felt their chest tighten and their smile split wider, “You are too.” When Gabriel smiled Beelzebub closed their eyes and took in a deep breath, “Gabriel, I love you.”

The smug look on Gabriel’s face vanished. His voice had softened and he nearly whispered back, “I love you, too.” 

***

After a Crazy  _ Little Thing Called Love  _ Crowley turned to Aziraphale and put a hand on his shoulder, whisking Aziraphale out of his thoughts, eyes off the stage. Crowley leaned in, lips tantalizingly close to his ear to whisper something.

“Thank you so much for this.” He used the hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder to pull him into a deep hug, his arms wrapping around his shoulders. It was bittersweet. 

Aziraphale craved, no, he  _ needed _ this intimacy. He needed it in a different context. He swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled Crowley closer.

He longed to freeze this moment, to snap a picture of this delicious scene and keep the photo in the back pocket of his mind, to savour it for the rest of his life because this one taste of intimacy with Crowley could be saved. It wasn’t enough. He didn’t think anything would be enough but he could ration it out. 

The sound of a major chord rang out from the piano and into the crowd. And then another. A love ballad. Aziraphale bit back the sigh and his bottom lip. He couldn’t stop the sardonic chuckle, however, “Of course.”

Crowley leaned back, looking in Aziraphale’s blue eyes, “Hm?” His hands rested upon his shoulders.

_ Love of my life, you’ve hurt me. You’ve broken my heart and now you leave me. _

Aziraphale forgot how to speak. He just coughed up some syllables and hoped that Crowley would accept them as some excuse. 

Crowley still hadn’t looked away.

_ Bring it back, bring it back _

Crowley couldn’t tear his eyes away from Aziraphale and Aziraphale didn’t think that Crowley was thinking about his  _ of course _ anymore. Crowley’s amber eyes dug something out of his brilliant blue eyes that he had tried so hard to ignore. So hard to deny. And he knew there was no reburying it after this moment.

_ Don’t take it away from me because you don’t know what it means to me. _

“Crowley.”

Crowley had never heard his name uttered like a prayer before but he finally understood why it was such a divine experience. 

“Aziraphale.” Crowley struggled for those sounds, his voice was barely a breath. His hand moved from Aziraphale’s right shoulder to the back of his neck, pulling him close until their lips met. 

The world faded from their minds, they wouldn’t have torn their lips away, couldn’t have. The only thing of importance was the connection of soft lips on soft lips. Aziraphale held Crowley’s chin gently between his thumb and forefinger, wanting nothing but to keep him there.

The kiss was soft but somehow it still conveyed the thoughts they both shared. The want. The pining. The longing. The pure need. Lips spoke for these pent up emotions, emotions that had no words and the other lips ate it up.

_ Love of my life, don’t leave me. _

  
  



End file.
